Dear Scotland.......

The past few months have been so unveiling for me. I feel like my blinders have come off and I am able to see myself in a whole other light. It has been the biggest shift in my life that I have ever experienced. I can't even begin to express to anyone the way I feel, and how much freedom I feel from beginning to let go of the past that had me bound for so long. Somedays it is overwhelming, and I feel myself forget for a moment what I have learned, and then that awareness brings me back to self. I am so grateful for those simple realizations. Realizing these things could not have come before now, I wasn't ready. I recently decided that I was willing to allow myself to go for what I know I am passionate about, not letting anything stop me. Having that road map in place lead me to so much more then I could possibly imagine for my life at this time. But even though these amazing things in my life have happened I still feel these unwanted walls that come up in certain situations in my life, in the past I haven't been able to deal. Usually I would allow for the wall to come up, and I would hide behind it. Now when these walls come up, I am aware, I sit with it for a minute trying to understand and feel it for what it is, and then I dismiss it. I am learning to deal. I have never talked about these feelings, and I am not usually this open and honest. But I love to write, and I usually write about honest things, and right now that is all I am trying to be for myself. For me this is has been life changing, and I see new things daily. So for those of my friends who read, thanks for taking the time.

Somedays I feel like I am looking through the eyes of a 7 year old Abbey. Innocent, very fearful and cautious, observant, protective, intuitive, always aware of what was around me. I remember always knowing from an early age that I was different then others. Not in a way where I caused problems. I just felt like my idea of the world was different then others ideas of the world. Seven was a very difficult age for me. I had a lot happen in my life. My family had to pick up and move across the ocean to Scotland. I had to leave the comfort of my home, and best friends on Somerdowns Court. Before I moved, I was shy, timid, almost to the point where if an adult would talk to me I would pee my pants down both legs. This is true! It happened twice that I can remember. I wasn't a confident child. Now watching my nieces and nephews childhood, I can sense they are confident. No cares or struggles in the world. But for me It just was not like that. Since an early age, I have been unsure of self, and it has been a battle that I have dealt with my entire life. I am not complaining, or saying that this is a bad thing, or that I was picked on. A lot of people every single day have to struggle with these same struggles I have, in fact I think most people do. But for me, I am choosing to be honest and own up to my insecurities. It is part of my healing process. Those battles have turned out to be gifts that I would not trade for any amount of money or treasure. They are my treasures. They have set a solid ground for me to continue forward tomorrow with more awareness, strength, and confidence in myself.

Dear Scotland.
I remember you so clearly. I remember it was one of the scariest times of my childhood. I would remember dreaming of a fantasy world at night to try and take myself away from you. Today, I try to go back and disect it, and I can't quite figure out why I was so scared. But the feelings were so real, and I did a really good job of blocking out some of those memories that I wish I still had today. I remember that old house in Edinburgh that our family lived in. The kitchen was so small, and those stairs that lead up to that door, I swear it was haunted. Nobody ever dare go up those stairs. The house didn't have the normal scents of a home. My room was on the top floor across that hall from my brother Garrett. I still remember the way my room looked. The colors were dark, the carpet was old and there was a small window facing the backyard. Beyond the backyard was a stone wall that had a forest behind it. I never went in. I remember climbing on that stone wall and getting stung by a bee. I never went beyond that wall, I was always too chicken to find out was in that forest. I remember sleeping all by myself at night. The only things that I found protection from was my baby dolls. I slept with every stuffed animal and cabbage patch doll that I owned at the time. They cradled my entire bed. I felt like they watched over me, I didn't like going to bed at night. Then the pond in the back yard, I liked that pond. I used to play a game called "color the eggs" where my sisters, and brother would chase each other around this pond. The swing was safe, we always sat on that swing behind the pond.

My parents where amazing, I don't think they had any idea that I was scared to death. I never said anything, i never acted out. I just dealt with it. My other brothers and sisters were way more outgoing, and I would admire that. But I was ok with just observing, and learning from them. There were times where I would strive for that attention and I would try to do things so people would notice that I existed. I remember laying on the carpet in the family room when we would have company over pretending like I knew how to read out of a chapter book. I wanted to get noticed for my intelligence. But nobody ever said anything. When I went to primary school it was scary. Especially a shy 7 year old in a foreign country. But I was brave, and I met some amazing friends. I still remember some of their names. My teacher Miss Nichol. Wingsea, Kate, Ruth, and Rhianna. I started to love school, and I began to open up quite a bit. My confidence grew little by little, and I remember being the only blonde haired, green eyed American. I was admired amongst my peers, and I liked that. I even would show off in front of the P7 and P8 kids a recess. I would pick up people from off their feet and walk around with them. Everyone would stand around me when I would do this. It became something that I would do every day to gain attention. I know weird, I laugh at it now. But I remember it so clearly as if it were yesterday. But then I would go home from school at night, and I would feel so scared, and so lonely and I would close up. I think I blocked a lot of these times out of my mind. I pushed them so far down into my sub conscious because I didn't want to remember them. And I feel as though they have left scars. I feel those feelings come up today in my life. I remember that room, and I remember that house, and I remember the street that I used to roller skate down the sidewalks daily. Sometimes all alone. I remember the corner shop where my mom used to take me to buy her cards that she would send home to friends in America. I will always remember the stuffed duck she purchased for me from that store. It was my comfort. But I remember even though I was so scared, I was so strong. Looking back now, being there and dealing with those scary things is where I gained that strength that I still have today. It is where I feel like some of my most precious gifts were received. I wish I could go back and hug that 7 year old. I would like to tell her that everything is going to be ok. That the life you have in front of you is going to be hard, but you are being prepared for your amazing journey.

Today, I look back and I am proud of that 7 year old, who was so scared, but was not stupid by any means. The feelings I get when I think about my childhood in Scotland cause me to sometimes close up, and become that shy timid girl. When I realize those feelings come up, I quickly turn fearless, and I remember the strength of that girl. I am on the verge of change in my life, I am so lucky because I have found passions in my life that I know without a shadow of a doubt I was supposed to accomplish. Without those scary times in my life, I would not be the woman that I am today. I am so grateful for those times. I am so grateful for the fear, because now I am fearless. I cannot wait to see what happens in life for me. Taking one day at a time. Loving myself. Loving myself with all my heart. Hating myself sometimes also for the thoughts that I sometimes go back too, but then realizing that its ok. Those thoughts don't define who I am. I am always here for myself from now on. I am letting go of you Scotland. And I am grateful for you because I would never be the person I am today without you. Its ok to move forward, to let go. Finding when I cling to the past, that I don't move forward. Remembering the moments, the good and the bad. Remembering how I got to this place right now today because of you. It took a lot of courage, and it took a lot of faith, and internal strength. Time to close the past and let it be the past. Excited for the future, but even more ok with the now.

Your Friend,
Abbey

JOY

As I sit here to write. Pretty late at night, I am not tired. I guess I could try to fall asleep, but my thoughts running in my mind tend to keep me awake. So I write..........I don't know what I am about to write, but I feel as though I need to express myself.

My Joys-

To me Joy means long term happiness. Not the feeling you get while you are eating a cookie, that is just happiness. Well short term, until that white sugar enters your blood stream and 1 hour the happiness turns into depression. To me Joy is the opposite, Joy is that happiness that resides in your heart, and the feeling is completely real. You know its there, you don't have to search far for it. It is easily grasped. To me Joy is long term. I am thinking about the joys in my life because I can't help but feel joy when I think about them. Right now I could use a little bit of joy. This week's joys-

-My niece Madelyn and Sarah. They love their aunt Abbey. They look up to me. The pictures they drew for me with a simple 3 words made me feel joyful. I love it when they say "I love you" because I know they mean it.

-Vincent my nephew. Screams my name loud enough over and over again to let me know he cares I am in the room. He is always the first one to greet me when I walk into a room, and he is always the last one to say goodbye with a big hug. Its love. And at 2 years old, I think he already knows what that feeling is. Because he shows me every day.

-The Morrill Family. I have nothing but love for this family. They make me feel joyful . To: Tony, Kat, Maddie, Brie, and Ciel You are irreplaceable

-The choice that I made to go out on a run this week because I wanted too. My intention was to just go to feel fresh air, and to know that I am alive. I didn't go out on a run because I had to, or because I was torturing myself. This time, I was in touch with my body, and it actually craved the run. I loved it!

-The energy of my classes bring me joy, it is very contagious

-The amazing journey I have been on through my Yoga Teacher Training. I never thought that I could feel so good doing something. KNOWING that this is one of the things in life that I will give myself completely too, and I will never have to fake my passion. It is there, I feel it, and it feels right! I love the effect it has had on my life. Very Joyful!

-My Family especially my supportive parents. They bring me joy daily just by letting me know that I have a support system when I need it. They are my home.

-Knowing presence, and feeling that is Joy

-Knowing that I have yet to fall in love again for real, and I know I still have the opportunity in front of me. That brings me joy. I can't wait to fall in love. But until then, I am ok with just loving me and all those around me. My friendships bring me joy

-Friends (all of you) PURE JOY!

-Children's Hugs PRICLESS

-Self Discovery and breakthroughs. Learning to be ok with me, brings me joy. Takes away the stress and replaces it with peace.

-Knowing that I am only human, brings me joy.

-LOVE is JOY

-GRATITUDE is JOY

-Someone "SEEING" me is JOY

-Giving my gifts to others is JOY, but receiving others gifts through what I learn from them has the same effect

-A new friend

-LAUGHTER

-MUSIC I am drawn to many differen't types, but I feel so joyful when I hear my favorite song. Right now, I love Alanis Morrisette song called Madness.

-Watching myself learn, and feeling proud when I put that knowledge to work.

-This week I have made decisions that would have normally gone against all my beliefs. But it felt good to break out of that mold, and believe in something else, that I know is right for me. Having that shift, has made me believe that their is someone else involved. But the only thing that matters is this moment when I feel peace knowing it was the right choices. That God knows me more then I know myself. And knowing that, I trust myself, and I am fearless in my decisions.

As I fall asleep. I feel a sense of peace that resonates with joy. The joy and peace I feel may go away some days, but all that matters now is that I feel it presently. And I am going to give myself the opportunity to bask in that feeling. I only have right now, this moment. I am willing to see the turmoil that I have inside sometimes, and I am willing to see it for what it brings, and I am willing to see that it is just a feeling and that it will no longer leave me terrified or paralyzed. I am willing to come back to presence and feel joy. Tomorrow will come, (I hope) and when it does, I will take this feeling of Joy and remember the joys that all the yesterday's brought my way. Good night friends. I love you!

Stripped Down

Wow its been awhile since i last sent my thoughts out into the blogging world. I was not feeling inclined to speak my mind or talk about anything. I didn't feel like I had anything of significance to express. But whether or not you read this post, I wanted to send my words out there, to hopefully help someone realize what I have realized about myself within the last 2 months of my life. So deciding to come back today is perfect timing. Writing has always been my way to express myself. Sometimes I am not the best on the phone, or even sometimes in social situations I like to listen and take in what I learn from others. I do not find myself voicing myself very much. When I am sitting here in this moment listening to my inner voice, I feel empowered to express myself. So here is my story and I hope that you read it, and truly know that this is coming from my heart and I am going to be as real and authentic as I know I am.

I have always known a finish line. To me a finish line represents accomplishment, hard work, a rush that is indescribable, and a feeling of being quite proud. My Dad taught me at an early age that running was a great hobby, he himself running 16 marathons and almost qualifying for the olympics. I really looked up to him. I had always played school sports, such as basketball and soccer and was not the star player by any means. Actually I sucked. I was always the 8th or 9th man off the bench, so I was used to all my peers shining over me. When I graduated from high school, my brother and Dad talked me into running a marathon. 1 marathon turned into 2 marathons, and I quickly realized that not only could I run a marathon but I was a pretty fast runner. I qualified for Boston after my 3rd marathon and continued to feed into that feeling of accomplishment. (now you are probably wondering why I am telling you all of this, but I promise i will get to the point) I felt like these races and these accomplishments gave me my identity. My Dad would tell everyone how proud of his daughter he was, and It felt good. I started to feel like the only way my Dad would be proud is if I kept doing these races, but each race I did I was slowly dying inside. After awhile marathons became a bit boring, I didn't quite get the same feeling I used to get when running so I began to look for another way to prove to myself that I was strong. I started teaching spin classes at the gym, and fell in love with biking. I wanted to do the next biggest and best thing out there, so once again my accomplishments would continue to define me. I realized that not only was I a strong runner, but that I was a stronger cyclist. So I opted to register myself for the longest one day sanctioned bike ride in the United States. LOTOJA 206 miles of 17000 feet gain in elevation throughout the day. Well I not only did this, but I did this 3 times after. I was feeling high on life and soon realized well there must be more that I can do. My ego was high on life, and I must admit I thought I was pretty cool. Fast forward June 2009. At this point in my life, I had failed miserably from relationships, feeling very unworthy of love. Never vulnerable, and always feeling like I had to hold up the "I am strong card" The guys in my life couldn't keep up with me. And now looking back, I don't know how they did for as long as they did. I fell in love, and I lost him and so I started to beat myself up. Thoughts came into play "Maybe I needed to prove myself more that I am worthy of love," "What did I do to drive him away, am I not good enough" So going back to June It was time to sign up for what I saw in my mind the biggest race I could ever do in my lifetime. IRONMAN St. George, now if you don't know what an Ironman consist of it is 2.1 mile swim, 112 mile bike, and a 26.2 marathon. If I proved that I could cross that finish line, maybe I could prove to myself again that I am capable of being loved, and that someone must see that in me. (Which come to find out, it was the lack of self love I had, and I was only telling myself that I was unworthy of love. Nobody else was telling me this) So I signed up. I started my journey of Ironman training in November 2009. I started off with a ton of momentum, feeing great. I even did my workout late at night on New Years Eve thinking to myself, I am awesome! Everyone else is out partying and I am running. "I'm cool" right? No......

I have always loved yoga. It has been a huge part of my life, now to the point where I teach it daily, practice it a ton more, and It is a safe place for me. So while In this Ironman training process I decided since yoga has been a huge part of my life that I would enroll myself into a certification that would soon transform my thoughts and my help transform my life. So in all this I was trying to balance work, yoga, and 4 hours of training a day for this Ironman, and started to feel very overwhelmed with life. I would get mad at myself when I was feeling frustrated, because I am strong right? I can handle anything. No need to back down, and no need to ever feel vulnerable. Needless to say I became depressed. I started skipping out on workouts, hating my runs, and to be quite honest at rock bottom in my life. I was digging myself into a dark tunnel, and I felt completely out of touch with my life. I toyed with the idea of backing out of the race, but decided not to because I was afraid of what others thought. (when come to find out, they don't care as much as you think) I went out on a 12 mile run and decided that I was going to do it anyways despite what i was feeling. The first time in 10 years where I had to stop and walk. (this is NOT in my character) The kids on the school bus where pointing at me, and I felt like they were mocking me for my weakness, when in reality that was in my mind. People walking their dogs were passing me. I felt completely defeated. I went home and just cried. A few days later I was sitting in class, still beating myself up about my training, and way too tired to think or pay attention. I was listening in on a discussion half heartedly when I had my "awakening" or "aha" moment if I must say. This person who spoke to me this day will never understand what they did for me. When this person started to tell their story, I immedietly connected to it, and realized that her story was for me to hear that day. She expressed that she had gone through the similar torture that I went through, that she fell out of touch with her body and even though they looked good on the outside, internally she was completely out of connection with her body. For some reason those words hit me like a ton of bricks, and I knew in a matter of 10 seconds what I needed to do. I told myself that I am done torturing myself, and that I am done proving myself, and that I am worthy of love. I had no idea how to love myself, I only knew a finish line and to me that was my identity. So I was going to try and love myself with out all that glamour. I pulled out of the Ironman, losing a ton of money. But in the end gaining more then money can buy. I was set free, I was bound to this identity. I have never felt so empowered. Right now I am learning to love myself again completely stripped down of my expectations. Taking myself off of that pedastal that I wanted to place myself on, and stepping below it was the greatest feeling I have ever felt. I am learning that when I am stripped down to nothing, all those thoughts of me only having an identity attached to a finish line are just false. I am learning that I am powerful just being me. That I can move mountains, without climbing one on my bike or in my running shoes. I am the stripped down Abbey, and right now I feel naked without it all, but it is a better feeling than having the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am worthy of all the awesomeness that will come my way, and I will fail at times because I am human. i will be vulnerable, because it is alright not to always be the strong one. I am grateful because I have had that realization. I am powerful because at times I have felt powerless. Thank you to that person for helping me see that. I am going to carry on, and remember when I am being too hard on myself that its not reality. I am going to just bring what I am able every day, and if its just that I love myself, and others then that is all that matters. Filling my life with abundance by giving others the same. To me a finish line represents so much more then i can express, to me it represents an awesome journey to self fulfillment.

The Best Thing About Today

The best things about my day come unexpected. I love the great mystery of life! The fact that I get the opportunity to live in today and experience things that increase my capacity to love more than I ever thought I could. Today was another day full of unexpected blessings, that made me feel grateful for the place that I hold on this earth today. Today Thursday, November 12th 2009 was just another ordinary day at work. Get up at 530 am after pushing the snooze button one too many times, not really excited to start my day because of the lack of sleep I got the night before. Then pull my hair back in a messy bun, grab my protein bar, and head off to the gym to try and help others understand that fitness, and healthy living is important. My job is demanding of me. It requires me to give so much of myself to others, it requires me to motivate, inspire, and believe in others when they do not believe in themselves. Which in all reality, I don't believe in myself somedays, and I am constantly giving myself the same pep taik that I give to others. I am worth it! Today was good, I had the opportunity to yet again be passionate about what i do. I love to teach! I love it! I love that when I am in my own little world in the studio class, I feel the most safe, I feel the most loved, and I feel the most confident. I love that my friends show up to receive and to be apart of the positive energy. When I teach I feel as though everything is right in the world. I am so grateful that today, I got to experience that yet again, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. It is who I am, and those gifts are precious to me. I was grateful for today because I got to go to lunch with a dear and amazing friend in my life. The fact that I had the opportunity to take a break in my day to talk, and know that someone cared enough to listen. That friend made today great. I am truly grateful for friends that love me, because I love them so much. I was grateful for today because I have a wonderful Mom, with by a simple text to tell me how much she loved me, made me feel important. I love that today ended with a simple phone call from a friend I rarely talk to, letting me know that they were thinking of me. She wanted me to know she was there if I needed anything. It is so easy to look at every day as a routine, days are going by faster and faster. Weeks feel like seconds, and years more like minutes. We have a hard time stepping out of our daily routine to breathe and to just be in the moment. We let the simple things that make a day great, go by unnoticed. We live in a world of stress, depression, anxiety, and heart ache. But I think it is easier sometimes to fester in the negative, and we get in the habit of forgetting about the joys, and tender mercies that make us feel happy. Being happy is a daily choice, and somedays it is easier to choose the opposite. Two people can look at something in life and see it in two different ways. A mountain, some may look at a mountain and notice how tall it is, or how beautiful the colors are that make that mountain majestic. While others may look at it and notice the pain of the climb, and the rocky paths. Just like each day that passes by, some look at it and notice the best things about that day. While others may look at it and only wish to be in the next. Look at each day and paint your own beautiful, awesome, and inspiring picture. Paint it positive, and fill it up with love. My favorite quote is from my favorite movie Moulin Rouge, "The best thing in life is to love, and to be loved" Try to stay positive, and try to connect with those that you think need a pat on the back. You are powerful, and you have no idea the effect you have on others. Be the best part of their day. Because you can, and you have the power to be amazing! I loved today because I have my health, friends, family, and a roof over my head. I loved today, and I can't wait for tomorrow. Until then..goodnight!

Fusion 10-Karma Release Playlist

Ok here is my newest playlist from my Fusion 10 release. Thanks to all that come to my classes, you inspire me. I know a few of you asked me to post this, so here you go! Enjoy!

Fusion 10-Karma

1-Tai Chi-Bruce Springsteen: Streets of Philadelphia
2-Sun Salutations-Norwegian Mash-Up (sorry guys, this song you cant find on Itunes. Its a special song only I have) :)
3-Standing Strengths-Blue Man Group-Rods and Cones
4-Balance-Paula Cole-Me
5-Hip Openers-Seal-Prayer for the dying
6-Core-Natasha Bedingfield-Unwritten
7-Pilates Back-Jason DeRulo-Watcha Say
8-Twists-Tori Amos-Crucify EP Remix
9-Tai Chi/Folds/Hamstrings-Goo Goo Dolls-Iris
10-Prepare for Relazation-Lisbeth Scott-Where
11-Relaxation-Life Scapes-Eagle Dreams
12-Coming out of Relaxation-Ronan Hardiman-Heaven
13-Nameste-U2-Mysterious Ways (Apollo 440 Magic Hour Remix)



SONG Picks of the weeK-
Jason DeRulo-Watcha Say
Ingrid Michaelson-Maybe and Sort Of
Sarah Mclachlan-I will remember you
Mariah Carey-I want to know what love is

Album of the Week-
Ingrid Michaelson

BOOT CAMP SAT Sept 19th @ 9am LIFE TIME FITNESS

CALLING ON EVERYONE!

ARE YOU TOUGH ENOUGH!!!

WHETHER YOU ARE A MEMBER OR NON MEMBER OF LIFE TIME FITNESS, WE ARE HOLDING A FREE BOOT CAMP CLASS THIS COMING SATURDAY @9am. 10996 South River Front Parkway, South Jordan 84096. PlEASE BRING ANYONE THAT YOU WOULD LIKE. FREE TO EVERYONE! WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BOOT CAMP PLAY GROUND OUT BACK ON OUR TURF.

A FRAME WALL
MUD TUG A WARS
POWER HURDLES
LOG BALANCE BEAM

ECT! IT WILL BE A BLAST!

INSTRUCTORS- JULIE ATWOOD AND STACI SHORT AS WELL AS THE PERSONAL TRAINING TEAM!


COME GET YOUR BUTT WHOOPED! IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS PLEASE CONTACT ME AT LIFE TIME FITNESS 302-0909

THANKS GUYS! SEE YOU SATURDAY!

I love Kids!

I have a few special kids in my life, literally if I could spend most of my days hanging out with them I would. I Love you Madelyn, Sarah, Ethan, Savannah, Vincent, Dillion, Mason, Aly, Sammy, Spence, DMAN, Jaida, Jessica, Maddie, Brie, Ci Ci, and Christopher. Am I missing anyone. These are the best kids in the world! I would do anything for you!




Me and my two beautiful nieces Madelyn and Sarah.....Zac Efron or Edward...You decide!!!



Super Super Sour Spray! This little guy Daniel AKA DMAN, is probably one of my favorite kids in the world. I love the Thomas Family, and my Christopher.



PS...Don't look at my facial expression yuck!!!! :)