Saturday, July 2, 2011

Looking for it in all the wrong places

The past week has been week full of little tender mercies. I have learned recently through a couple of epiphany's what I must do in order to continue to walk down this path of life. It is a path that seems narrow at times, a path that others may not agree with, but a path that is my own, that I constructed and created for myself. A path that I know is my truth, and a path that I know connects me to everyone around me and most of all the path that connects me to God. I have discovered that I cannot overlook things about myself to make them go away. I cannot hide from the things that I fear in myself. I must take a look at them for what they are and love that part of myself. In order to free myself from fear, I most find that uncondtional love. Not the uncondtional love that I know resides in me for others, but the unconditional love that one should have for themselves.

A few nights ago I had the opportunity to go to the arts festival in downtown Salt Lake City. A city that I have grown to cherish. I love the energy that surrounds this city, I love the people, I love the smells. My favorite thing about Salt Lake is that I get to walk down 9th/9th in my barefeet and say hello to someone having tea or coffee reading the paper, and enjoying every moment they have with that coffee. I love the diversity. I love how everyone seems to know everyone's name and if they don't, well then they are a familiar face. I love that I can stare out the window of CCY and see Great Harvest across the street, and know that Brooke or Julie are probably over there making sandwiches. I am proud to call it my home.

It had been a long week of work. I took the opportunity to go hang out with my friends and enjoy the night listening to live music and having a drink of wine. I love wine--and if you know me we also know that I LOVE my work, that it is a part of the reason why I exist. I have a reason of being, and that reason for being is why I am choosing to fight like hell for myself. As I was walking around the festival with my friends, enjoying the night, and watching people--I picked up on an overwhelming energy that made me feel paralyzed. As I recognized this feeling, I knew it wasn't mine. I had to walk away from the situation, catch some fresh air, and shake off what seemed to be smothering me. I asked God to do something for me, to let me know I am not alone, and that love is stronger than this feeling I was experiencing. As I re-collected myself, and made my way back to the company of my friends, I heard a voice in my mind that told me to stay. Now looking back this experience changed me for the rest of my life. It was a pivotal moment in my life where I knew what had to be done. As we stood in front of the stage with hundreds of people behind us, I was claustrophobic, I now had a headache that would not seem to subside. Before I could leave, I found that the singer on stage drew his attention in my direction. In my mind, I was not in the mood for any fun and games. I felt as though I was in a nightmare, and I just wanted out. He proceeded to ask me my name, held out his mic so I could inform the entire audience what my name was. As embarrassed as I was...I told him, very "quietly". He then asked the crowd to chant my name. In that moment I felt loved. I had to glance up the sky and say to God, "really!" I am not alone for sure. I did start laughing. I felt the love of everyone around me. And in that moment, I truly understood what I believe in, we are all connected. God was watching out for me.

My friend that I am very grateful for this day said something to me earier that evening that stuck in my mind. She said, "Abbey, you are a people pleaser." This of course was said out of love, and I have no hard feelings. She went on to express that I do so much for others, that I need to make sure that I take care of myself first. I did not hold up a defense, because I believed her. In the past I have looked in many different situations for love. I have looked to get married in the temple, because I thought that is what God wanted me to do. But when that didn't happen, I felt like I let God down. I looked so deeply to fall in love and have that fairytale wedding. I thought that is exactly what I had to do, the path I must take. SO I even resorted to online dating, and believe me that is not my idea of fun. I felt like I had 5 job interviews a week, just to see if I was "good enough" for some man. And not to disrespect the online dating world, it works for a lot of people, but this just wasn't for me. This took me further away from who I really was. When the online dating didn't work. I just gave up on myself. I had nowhere to turn, and I felt defeated. I can now look back on my life and be very grateful for all these many experiences. I know why I ran like I did, biked like I did, and beat myself up like I did. All to prove to myself that I was unworthy of love. All to prove to myself that I had a deep hatred for myself.

Without those dark moments, I would have never found myself. I think I found her, and now that I know that all she really needs is acceptance and love for who she really life can really begin. It took this experience that evening at the arts festival for me to really find clarity in a big mess of a headache. I often remember something that my dear friend, sister, and teacher saying to me once, "You are looking for love in all the wrong places." When she said that to me before, I didn't quite understand what she meant. As I was walking back to my car after the end of this concert...the words seemed to echo in my ears. I knew what she meant, and I knew where I needed to go to find love. I need to surrender to Gods will, and I need to accept love for myself. I need to fall completely in love with who I am. Because I haven't. I think I am a great person. I have talent and gifts. But If I were to say to myself, "I love you" I don't know if I would believe her. These 3 simple words that I use every single day, to let others know that I love them. I need to fall in love with myself. Embrace myself. Surrender to my anger, rage, and know that it is okay to not always have a smile on my face. That I don't have to be okay all the time. As I have found alot of inner peace in this, I told my own mom that I have to fall in love with myself, before love in a soulmate form will ever come into my life. She turned to me and said, "God made you exactly the way you were supposed to be, and that is the truth." I know as I fall in love with myself, all my dreams will come true.

Tonight I chose to surrender to the rage and anger. It wasn't easy. I put my trust in God that I could go to that dark place. And I did. I was able to let go of some things that have been bottled up inside. I feels as though I let go of 15 lbs of fear, anger, rage, etc. Now as I continue forward each day, I promise myself that I am going to love myself first. That I am going to give to myself what I promise to give to others every day, because I love unconditionally. There are people in my life that I love with all my heart. The compassion for these friends and family members in my life, is eternal. If I can love that much, and I have seen that love, I know that I can love myself with all my heart.

Right now I am not searching for a soulmate to walk into my life. My focus is to fall in love with myself in each moment. To remind myself that I am just as deserving of love as everyone else. And to fully accept love that is extended towards me each day. If a soulmate comes into my life while in this process, then I will welcome it. But I know that I have a lot of work to do. I feel like this is life long habitual patterns that I require a slow unraveling, but as I get closer to the love, ANYTHING is possible. I have dreams that I want to accomplish in life, some I already have, and some yet to be accomplished. if I can follow my heart, and give myself fully to each day, and love myself, I know that I can love more and more each day that I am alive. I thank God for being patient with me. And if I learned anything at all mostly that it is to not take everything so serious, to not put too much pressure on myself and to just appreciate the moment. I teach yoga, and I teach this each day to those that come to my class and step on the mat. Teaching yoga is just a reminder to me that we are all equal, connected, moving forward together each day in this amazing thing called life. I have an identity beyond that though, I am bigger than I can imagine. I am Abbey and I love her. I believe it right now, that is a step in the right direction. This is my journey. My journey towards that love. I hope to share it with all of you.

To: Mom, Dad, Amanda, Garrett, Allison, Amelia, D'ana, Nieces, Nephews, Kate, Linds, Jessie, Megs, Britt, Cameron, Adam, and my incredible CCY family. You are the most important people in my life right now. I love you forever and will promise to do that every single day that I am alive.
Powered by Blogger.