Tuesday, January 17, 2012


I must admit. I have had a really hard time the last couple of months. Pretending that this, whatever it is, I don't even have to know anymore; hasn't been happening in my own life. I have tried to "Hold it together" whatever that means, and somehow I have managed to do so in the right moments. But as I was teaching yoga tonight, I realized that the last couple of months have been a very vulnerable time for me, and I have never allowed this kind of vulnerability. No way would I have ever allowed it. But now vulnerability means strength for me. Normally, I would take off on my bike and climb the highest of mountains, and then everything would be "patched" up and I would "pretend" that nothing ever happened. I was running away from myself, my power, my life. As I was ending class and had a moment to just sit in that emptiness, I did feel that strength and that love I have for myself. I am a very powerful woman; because I have really allowed myself to feel vulnerable. I have allowed myself to feel the emptiness, the void. That there is something really amazing when you can do this. It has been the hardest, but also the very best experience to have gone through, and I am STILL going through it. I actually smiled at this chaos, and now I look at it as absolutely beautiful! I can love so much until it hurts, and that I can give EVERYTHING to myself. I love myself so much, and I am willing to stay open, and courageous, and absolutely brave. I am me, and there is nobody like me. I love you. Thank you for being brave and courageous. I share this because I fucking want too! I hope that someone may have needed to read these words tonight. There is something very powerful when you truly allow yourself to feel vulnerable, while staying open at the same time. There is something when you sit with yourself and feel ALL OF IT! To feel that dark, ugly, chaotic, gross, "STUFF", is really quite powerful. When you can throw it up, and then lie there in complete emptiness in your own vomit, is power. You in this emptiness, have nothing left but to trust something bigger than you...and when you do can trust...you become free. You save yourself, the only person that you can save. That is everything. Goodnight.
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