Saturday, November 24, 2012

In the name of Fear.

Our bodies are incredible. We get to actually live in our bodies, reside in this space and experience so many feelings. Feelings of being alive. Feelings come in so many differn't vehicles. Feelings of love, fear, sexual ecstasy, anger, hatred, depression, anxiety, intimacy, compassion, passion--you get the point right? The list can go on and on. We get to use these bodies to experience our lives feeling everything. This is all good! When is it ever wrong to experience what you are feeling? We have been taught in our lives at some point, that it is wrong to feel the bad feelings such as: anger, hatred, etc. It's the resistance to the feeling, that allows the feeling that isn't good for our bodies, to grow like cancer, rotting. JUST FEEL. I have spoken of my own story many times about how I closed myself down. It is now my past, but it will always be a part of me. It tells the story of why I chose to go back home to my body. There always comes a time when we choose to go away, and explore. If we are conscious enough, we will find in this exploration that we want to come home to what is real. Although; I learned through the closing down of my skin; once it was closed completely, the only direction I had to take was to open it. That takes alot of courage. This has been a captivating chapter in my life, lets call this chapter, 2012. Yes, that is what happened to me this year. I opened, after a long time of choosing to stay closed. We can all say we are open, but until you experience that opening, you will never know the depth you can take yourself. I believe in the contiunious journey deeper, in diving to deeper depths, is where I have learned about the most important, intimate parts of myself. I taught myself throughout my life growing up, that it wasn't safe to open up. If you open up, you are exposed. Exposure to to life, was too much to feel. The first time I realized that I was empathic, by the way---we all are. The first time I found in myself that I was extra sensitive, was as a young child, preschool age. I had a hard time separating from home, being away from my mom, and going out in the big world. Yes, I was four, but it felt big to me. I felt too much. Growing up, I only became more sensitive. I felt my body was a place I couldn't stand to lie, sit, or stand in anymore. So, eventually I sprinted away from living and owning my own skin. We all have our own stories of finding ourselves, owning who we are, that is what makes us all unique. This past year, moving out of 2011 and ringing in the new 2012--I stood in a room with my community, dancing in my coral dress, I felt pretty. I could say for the first time, I felt stunning! It was almost like my body knew, I was about to take the journey back home again. I was ready. Oh, how I had no idea what was in front of me. The opening of my life, my body, and experince being alive in a completely differen't way. I have put a lot of trust in this process, telling myself, that when I want to close up, stay open. That is profound. That is how we actually heal our most intimate wounds. I am reading a book called, "Fierce medicine" by Ana Forrest, the creator of Forrest Yoga. In this book, she teaches you how to face your fear, but not only face it, allow it to become your allie. Fear, your allie? Yes! I was always taught to run from fear and become numb of it. I can challenge myself now to befriend it. Yes! New challenge, I am up for it! In this book there is a quote that goes like this, "In order to heal, you must feel." Brilliant. A light bulb turned on in me. I think I always knew this concept, but to actually consciously put it into practice, that is a whole differen't ball game. When you commit to being honest, you must learn that when you feel anxiety, or discomfort, you must choose to stay honest, versus soothing your anxiety and choosing to be dishonest. It's simple, it is a choice we all have to consciouly make to stay REAL. You will attract the most meaninful experiences and humans into your life. It is the perfect way to get to know yourself, and allow for fear to be your allie. I know it's hard, but it is the wisest way to live your life. It is the only way that I want to live my life. I love life. I feel lucky to have the gift of perception, intuition, and how I am very empathetic. I feel a lot! I have cursed this gift from time to time, and in fact it created for a very intense adolesence for me. I didn't understand what it meant to be empathic. Now, I am grateful for these senses, that I get to use every day for the good, especially in my job as a yoga teacher. Feelings are good. I have the ability to sense what pure love feels like in a moment, if my body is open to it. I have heard what love sounds like. It's like this, if everyone were to stand still in one moment. If everything was quiet on this earth, at one time--there you will hear the raw sound of pure love. Our highest power speaks. I also have had the experience of feeling darkness to it's core, the snake bite, the feeling of venom running through your bones, and you are helpless! But wait, are you? In that moment, are you helpless? Last night, I walked into a bar to listen to some live music. I was already feeling like my feet were floating above the earth, and I needed to ground myself. Instead, I choose to drink a vodka soda, I was a happy. I was in a perfect atomosphere for a drink, and I was with my most favorite human beings in the world. As I finished my drink, my body took on an energy, that wasn't familiar; or atleast it was, but I hadn't felt it in a long time. I panicked, I desperately tried to push it away, because I was scared of it. I didn't want anyone to know I was having this experience. I choose to go to the ladies room a few times and get myself together. I wanted to have a fun night out! Things weren't changing, and I was a container for this yucky energy. After all was said and done, I exited the bar, feeling terrible and confused at why I had this sudden shift of energy. I was too captivated by its story and I felt terrible in my own skin. Helpless. I had allowed myself to hold onto it, and I didn't know how to release it. My body ached, I wasn't myself. I woke up today, groggy, not well, and ready to pull my covers over my head for the day. I thought back on what I have been reading in this book. Fear is your allie. Choose to find out in you where this fear hangs out. What triggers this fear to come up, and why do you have this experience. is it even yours?! Which in my case, it usually isn't mine. This morning I choose a differen't experience, and it didn't take long. I was reminded while on the phone with this very important person, LOVE. I am reminded that I am a capable grown woman. I started to shift. I knew I could choose something else. I felt myself slowely easy my way back to my body, my life. I have learned, that I can inhabit my space any time, and I don't need to be affected. Energy has an effect on us, we have energy running through our bodies constantly. We have 7 energy systems of the body that speak to us every day, communicating to us constantly. Choose to feel it, and then you can let it go. Most the time, it isn't even yours to dwell on. Our feelings are fascinating story tellers! I love to feel, well the good stuff. The love. I love to feel everything, because it means to me, that I love to feel life. When I chose to understand that these feelings weren't mine, they were foreign, and I chose my body and a differen't experience. There is an undeniable surge of light, that moves through your body, healing you. I like to hear the sound of music, guitar, the music that is inside of music. It is like the sound of love, you have to be still in that moment, to hear what I am talking about. I like to write my words out on a blog, that is healing for me. I like conversation. I love to receive a text message from my love, and to know that there is open arms in this world, that crave me. I like to paint lately, creating something from my own view, it is cool to watch what comes out through the brush. My hands are definitely an extension of my heart, I love my hands. I love to create and speak with my hands, it soothes me. I did that today. Fear is your invitation to have courage. To be who you are, in the name of fear, be you. Don't allow fear to navigate you to a place that feels un-authentic. Another word, un-attractive. It takes you away from residing in your skin. I have chosen to inhabit myself, so I can love with all of me. Why would I want to love with half of me. I want to be all in, when I am around those I love. So they get the benefit of me to my fullest. Fear is your allie. Look at it! Conquer it! Ride the wave of fear, back into your life.
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