Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Dear Scotland.......

The past few months have been so unveiling for me. I feel like my blinders have come off and I am able to see myself in a whole other light. It has been the biggest shift in my life that I have ever experienced. I can't even begin to express to anyone the way I feel, and how much freedom I feel from beginning to let go of the past that had me bound for so long. Somedays it is overwhelming, and I feel myself forget for a moment what I have learned, and then that awareness brings me back to self. I am so grateful for those simple realizations. Realizing these things could not have come before now, I wasn't ready. I recently decided that I was willing to allow myself to go for what I know I am passionate about, not letting anything stop me. Having that road map in place lead me to so much more then I could possibly imagine for my life at this time. But even though these amazing things in my life have happened I still feel these unwanted walls that come up in certain situations in my life, in the past I haven't been able to deal. Usually I would allow for the wall to come up, and I would hide behind it. Now when these walls come up, I am aware, I sit with it for a minute trying to understand and feel it for what it is, and then I dismiss it. I am learning to deal. I have never talked about these feelings, and I am not usually this open and honest. But I love to write, and I usually write about honest things, and right now that is all I am trying to be for myself. For me this is has been life changing, and I see new things daily. So for those of my friends who read, thanks for taking the time.

Somedays I feel like I am looking through the eyes of a 7 year old Abbey. Innocent, very fearful and cautious, observant, protective, intuitive, always aware of what was around me. I remember always knowing from an early age that I was different then others. Not in a way where I caused problems. I just felt like my idea of the world was different then others ideas of the world. Seven was a very difficult age for me. I had a lot happen in my life. My family had to pick up and move across the ocean to Scotland. I had to leave the comfort of my home, and best friends on Somerdowns Court. Before I moved, I was shy, timid, almost to the point where if an adult would talk to me I would pee my pants down both legs. This is true! It happened twice that I can remember. I wasn't a confident child. Now watching my nieces and nephews childhood, I can sense they are confident. No cares or struggles in the world. But for me It just was not like that. Since an early age, I have been unsure of self, and it has been a battle that I have dealt with my entire life. I am not complaining, or saying that this is a bad thing, or that I was picked on. A lot of people every single day have to struggle with these same struggles I have, in fact I think most people do. But for me, I am choosing to be honest and own up to my insecurities. It is part of my healing process. Those battles have turned out to be gifts that I would not trade for any amount of money or treasure. They are my treasures. They have set a solid ground for me to continue forward tomorrow with more awareness, strength, and confidence in myself.

Dear Scotland.
I remember you so clearly. I remember it was one of the scariest times of my childhood. I would remember dreaming of a fantasy world at night to try and take myself away from you. Today, I try to go back and disect it, and I can't quite figure out why I was so scared. But the feelings were so real, and I did a really good job of blocking out some of those memories that I wish I still had today. I remember that old house in Edinburgh that our family lived in. The kitchen was so small, and those stairs that lead up to that door, I swear it was haunted. Nobody ever dare go up those stairs. The house didn't have the normal scents of a home. My room was on the top floor across that hall from my brother Garrett. I still remember the way my room looked. The colors were dark, the carpet was old and there was a small window facing the backyard. Beyond the backyard was a stone wall that had a forest behind it. I never went in. I remember climbing on that stone wall and getting stung by a bee. I never went beyond that wall, I was always too chicken to find out was in that forest. I remember sleeping all by myself at night. The only things that I found protection from was my baby dolls. I slept with every stuffed animal and cabbage patch doll that I owned at the time. They cradled my entire bed. I felt like they watched over me, I didn't like going to bed at night. Then the pond in the back yard, I liked that pond. I used to play a game called "color the eggs" where my sisters, and brother would chase each other around this pond. The swing was safe, we always sat on that swing behind the pond.

My parents where amazing, I don't think they had any idea that I was scared to death. I never said anything, i never acted out. I just dealt with it. My other brothers and sisters were way more outgoing, and I would admire that. But I was ok with just observing, and learning from them. There were times where I would strive for that attention and I would try to do things so people would notice that I existed. I remember laying on the carpet in the family room when we would have company over pretending like I knew how to read out of a chapter book. I wanted to get noticed for my intelligence. But nobody ever said anything. When I went to primary school it was scary. Especially a shy 7 year old in a foreign country. But I was brave, and I met some amazing friends. I still remember some of their names. My teacher Miss Nichol. Wingsea, Kate, Ruth, and Rhianna. I started to love school, and I began to open up quite a bit. My confidence grew little by little, and I remember being the only blonde haired, green eyed American. I was admired amongst my peers, and I liked that. I even would show off in front of the P7 and P8 kids a recess. I would pick up people from off their feet and walk around with them. Everyone would stand around me when I would do this. It became something that I would do every day to gain attention. I know weird, I laugh at it now. But I remember it so clearly as if it were yesterday. But then I would go home from school at night, and I would feel so scared, and so lonely and I would close up. I think I blocked a lot of these times out of my mind. I pushed them so far down into my sub conscious because I didn't want to remember them. And I feel as though they have left scars. I feel those feelings come up today in my life. I remember that room, and I remember that house, and I remember the street that I used to roller skate down the sidewalks daily. Sometimes all alone. I remember the corner shop where my mom used to take me to buy her cards that she would send home to friends in America. I will always remember the stuffed duck she purchased for me from that store. It was my comfort. But I remember even though I was so scared, I was so strong. Looking back now, being there and dealing with those scary things is where I gained that strength that I still have today. It is where I feel like some of my most precious gifts were received. I wish I could go back and hug that 7 year old. I would like to tell her that everything is going to be ok. That the life you have in front of you is going to be hard, but you are being prepared for your amazing journey.

Today, I look back and I am proud of that 7 year old, who was so scared, but was not stupid by any means. The feelings I get when I think about my childhood in Scotland cause me to sometimes close up, and become that shy timid girl. When I realize those feelings come up, I quickly turn fearless, and I remember the strength of that girl. I am on the verge of change in my life, I am so lucky because I have found passions in my life that I know without a shadow of a doubt I was supposed to accomplish. Without those scary times in my life, I would not be the woman that I am today. I am so grateful for those times. I am so grateful for the fear, because now I am fearless. I cannot wait to see what happens in life for me. Taking one day at a time. Loving myself. Loving myself with all my heart. Hating myself sometimes also for the thoughts that I sometimes go back too, but then realizing that its ok. Those thoughts don't define who I am. I am always here for myself from now on. I am letting go of you Scotland. And I am grateful for you because I would never be the person I am today without you. Its ok to move forward, to let go. Finding when I cling to the past, that I don't move forward. Remembering the moments, the good and the bad. Remembering how I got to this place right now today because of you. It took a lot of courage, and it took a lot of faith, and internal strength. Time to close the past and let it be the past. Excited for the future, but even more ok with the now.

Your Friend,

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


As I sit here to write. Pretty late at night, I am not tired. I guess I could try to fall asleep, but my thoughts running in my mind tend to keep me awake. So I write..........I don't know what I am about to write, but I feel as though I need to express myself.

My Joys-

To me Joy means long term happiness. Not the feeling you get while you are eating a cookie, that is just happiness. Well short term, until that white sugar enters your blood stream and 1 hour the happiness turns into depression. To me Joy is the opposite, Joy is that happiness that resides in your heart, and the feeling is completely real. You know its there, you don't have to search far for it. It is easily grasped. To me Joy is long term. I am thinking about the joys in my life because I can't help but feel joy when I think about them. Right now I could use a little bit of joy. This week's joys-

-My niece Madelyn and Sarah. They love their aunt Abbey. They look up to me. The pictures they drew for me with a simple 3 words made me feel joyful. I love it when they say "I love you" because I know they mean it.

-Vincent my nephew. Screams my name loud enough over and over again to let me know he cares I am in the room. He is always the first one to greet me when I walk into a room, and he is always the last one to say goodbye with a big hug. Its love. And at 2 years old, I think he already knows what that feeling is. Because he shows me every day.

-The Morrill Family. I have nothing but love for this family. They make me feel joyful . To: Tony, Kat, Maddie, Brie, and Ciel You are irreplaceable

-The choice that I made to go out on a run this week because I wanted too. My intention was to just go to feel fresh air, and to know that I am alive. I didn't go out on a run because I had to, or because I was torturing myself. This time, I was in touch with my body, and it actually craved the run. I loved it!

-The energy of my classes bring me joy, it is very contagious

-The amazing journey I have been on through my Yoga Teacher Training. I never thought that I could feel so good doing something. KNOWING that this is one of the things in life that I will give myself completely too, and I will never have to fake my passion. It is there, I feel it, and it feels right! I love the effect it has had on my life. Very Joyful!

-My Family especially my supportive parents. They bring me joy daily just by letting me know that I have a support system when I need it. They are my home.

-Knowing presence, and feeling that is Joy

-Knowing that I have yet to fall in love again for real, and I know I still have the opportunity in front of me. That brings me joy. I can't wait to fall in love. But until then, I am ok with just loving me and all those around me. My friendships bring me joy

-Friends (all of you) PURE JOY!

-Children's Hugs PRICLESS

-Self Discovery and breakthroughs. Learning to be ok with me, brings me joy. Takes away the stress and replaces it with peace.

-Knowing that I am only human, brings me joy.



-Someone "SEEING" me is JOY

-Giving my gifts to others is JOY, but receiving others gifts through what I learn from them has the same effect

-A new friend


-MUSIC I am drawn to many differen't types, but I feel so joyful when I hear my favorite song. Right now, I love Alanis Morrisette song called Madness.

-Watching myself learn, and feeling proud when I put that knowledge to work.

-This week I have made decisions that would have normally gone against all my beliefs. But it felt good to break out of that mold, and believe in something else, that I know is right for me. Having that shift, has made me believe that their is someone else involved. But the only thing that matters is this moment when I feel peace knowing it was the right choices. That God knows me more then I know myself. And knowing that, I trust myself, and I am fearless in my decisions.

As I fall asleep. I feel a sense of peace that resonates with joy. The joy and peace I feel may go away some days, but all that matters now is that I feel it presently. And I am going to give myself the opportunity to bask in that feeling. I only have right now, this moment. I am willing to see the turmoil that I have inside sometimes, and I am willing to see it for what it brings, and I am willing to see that it is just a feeling and that it will no longer leave me terrified or paralyzed. I am willing to come back to presence and feel joy. Tomorrow will come, (I hope) and when it does, I will take this feeling of Joy and remember the joys that all the yesterday's brought my way. Good night friends. I love you!
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