I was answered in the Sound of Thunder

There comes times in your life when you have to choose to either surrender or resist yourself. For many years I have resisted my true self and essence. It seemed to work out okay for the most part, but I always knew something wasn't right. When I was a young girl I battled with intense depression and anxiety. To the point that my poor parents did not know how to help me. I know they did the best they could and for that I will always be grateful. I was given anti-depressants as early as 11 years old and was on some type of medication as I journeyed all the way through highschool and a little bit through college. After really getting into running during my college days, I made the decision to get off the medications. I wanted to heal myself naturally. I found that running and working out very intensely was a way to self medicate. Running worked for awhile, but then I sensed that I was running away from something. I was running away from myself. After 9 marathons, many half marathons, and 4 Lotojas, I knew I wasn't being truly honest with myself.

Back in the day, there was no other choice but to turn to westernized medicine for help. It did help and I know it saved me in many circumstances. I was able to function for the most part. I am not saying there is anything wrong with it. But with everything I have learned through yoga therapy, I would now opt to go another direction for self healing. I participated in a program through Centered City Yoga and D'ana Baptiste this past year. Resonate Yoga Therapy school. I discovered that magic can occur by just listening to the body and giving the body the opportunity to surrender and let go. While in this process I have had to face my depression again, because I numbed myself over 15 years ago with drugs. After completing the program, I felt it all come back up, and I told myself I was willing to go through it again, this time with the intention of surrender. The last couple of months until now, I have felt a lack of courage and I really wanted to throw in the towell and give up. I would only have to call my doctor and he could write me a prescription just like that. It was the easy way out. Something in me told me to hang on, that I could face these demons and get through it. As a yoga instructor, I teach the path of surrender in all my classes, but for myself it seemed almost impossible. Every day I would get up and pray to God that he would help me get out of bed. I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and sleep it away. Each day the darkness and depression seemed to intensify. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I didn't want to turn to anybody, because the affect that my energy was having on myself alone, I didn't want to give off to anyone, especially those closest to me. So I would sit in my room and try to cry, but I felt numb. Couldn't get any tears to come. The sparkle in my eyes disappeared. But I knew that there were reasons I was feeling this way. I had to learn something more for myself. Once out of my bed, showered, dressed, and walking into the doors of the studios where I taught. I promised I would leave all that stuff out the door. Walking around in that space, listening to breath, watching determination take place, and witnessing surrender, I forgot about myself. It was only about them. I felt peace and bliss. As I closed the studio door of my work, there it was waiting for me. I would go home and meditate and give myself pep talks and intend to surrender over and over again. But with that came more resistance. Why? I wasn't sure I had the answers anymore. Tuesday, January 4th I asked God to help me. I was in tears this time. I asked God if he would hold space for me. I told God I wasn't strong enough to hold space for myself and the question kept coming to me, "How can I hold space for others when I cannot hold space for myself?" I didn't realize this until now as I write, but as I kept teaching day after day, my classes seemed to be more crowded and I was able to give them a class through my own life experiences, even if I wasn't okay. I was being real. I could still connect. So, I asked God, if there was a God...if he could answer my prayer not in a subtle voice, but in a sound of thunder. So I would know that I am supposed to be alive. So I can move forward and complete projects and do what I do best and love with all my heart and that is teaching yoga, being a loving, funny, compassionate, passionate and energetic human being.

Friday, January 7th changed my life, my prayer was answered in the sound of thunder that I had desparetly asked for. Ten thirty pm I was driving home from a long day, I wasn't in my body. I was excited to get home so I could sleep. Finding myself distracted while driving, the next thing I know I am in a head on car collision. I remember the feeling of fear that came over me after the crash had occured. The feeling of looking outside of your car after the realization of what had just happend, thinking you had just done something terribly wrong. I was feeling completely helpless, alone, and terrified, I looked outside my door, only to see a mangled up car in the intersection that I had struck. I began to panick. I was so sure I had killed someone, and I was feeling the guilt settle in me. A man, a angel that appeared right after the accident walked up to my car. He was homeless from what it seemed, and he said, "Are you okay?", " can I get you help?" I remember asking him to just stay with me, I just needed him to stay with me. He said something that I will never forget for the rest of my life. "I will stay with you as long as you need me, I am here." The 12 cop cars came blaring into the scene, alone with the 2 fire engines, and 3 ambulances. Left trauma in my body. From the looks of the scene nobody should be alive. Sitting on the side of the road waiting with this man for someone I knew to come was the longest moment in my life. All the feelings I had been feeling were nothing compared to how I was feeling in that moment. After help and family arrived this man that came to me eventually disappeared. I never got a chance to thank him, but he stayed with me. I know that for sure. I will never forget him. That night I was saved by the grace of God. I want to express my gratitude to God for saving that man and saving me. Giving her another chance.

Even though that was a hard night, there where things that I took away that I will never forget. Material things come and go. Yes, my car was totaled. But you can always buy a new car. People are what matter. Love is what matters. The moment. The momet you have now, embrace it. That people are good and they want to help. Life is short. Tell those people you love how much you love them every opportunity you can. It is really all that matters. Have gratitude for your life, even if it seems shitty at times. Its your life.

The people that showed up for me that night in person or in other ways, you will never understand the love that I have for you. You were there for me when I was literally lying in the trenches all alone. You were beside me. God is there and our prayers are answered. I walked away from that accident with a couple bruises, but yes, I walked away. There was my thunder, I was saved, and I have a life to live. I am supposed to be here. Now what? I have work to do, projects to complete, and a brilliance to own. I know I will have many more times of surrender, I will never stop learning. I have people to help wake up, so they can know of their brilliance. There is a lot of people who are walking around unconcious of their full potential. I want to be part of waking up this world. After all of this suffering and resistance, came a peace that I know what my purpose is in life. That is great gift to receive. That night will always be a reminder that no matter what, there is God. God is in you, and I. We are all connected. God came to me in the form of that stranger, who told me he would not leave me. God came in the form of my sister D' who walked silently down the sidewalk with her arms around me. God came in the form of my parents, who love me. My mothers embrace at the scene. God came in myself, when I thought I was alone, really I was there all along, hanging with myself in the darkest moments.

I write this for myself, so that I can remember this experience. I choose to write about it, because I see this experience now as a positive thing for my life. It was the moment that shook me into my power. I want to share this with all of you because I want you to know of your significance. In moments when you just want to give up, don't. Just surrender, be real with yourself. Love yourself unconditionally. Take care of you. Don't be afraid of what comes up, because under that "stuff" is you. life is so exciting. Life should be full of pleasure. I have the ability now to look underneath that stuff and love who I am. I saw that essence in me. When the resistance finally was gone, I was free. i was able to fly. Dear God, thank you for answering my prayer.