Just being real here...

Lately I have been really struggling to really honor myself as a beautiful person. I look at everyone I am surrounded by and it is so easy to see their beauty. For instance I work at a yoga studio in Salt Lake City, its only the best one! Centered City Yoga. And I am surrounded by beauty constantly. First person that comes to mind is my friend Kate Linsley. She is beautiful. I am lucky to have her by my side each day at work, not only as a someone I work with, but as someone who is a very imporant part of my life and considered family now. I love you Kate. You define beauty and I really look up to you. Thanks for being a shining example of that. Someone who is so raw, and has so much depth. I also see beauty in the person that is coming to my classes for the first time or steps into the studio and they just want to be there. They have no clue what yoga is really about, but I think it is so beautiful that they just showed up to try. I see people on the mat in their bodies trying to make sense of it all, and sometimes I have to stop in awe of those students while I am teaching. I cannot help without knowing what they are going through, stand there and resonate with them. The one thing I do for them as their teacher is I can understand them. And I do. I am their equal. I understand because on my mat is where all my stuff comes up too. Like today for instance, I wasn't very nice to myself. And it really showed, I took stabs at myself the entire practice, and I felt like I could no longer support myself. It was in that moment, when my teacher D' came and supported me in a pose. It showed me that we really all are connected, and we all could use a little support at times in life. I have gratitude for my practice, because while on the mat I get these reminders even in the intensity, that I am okay. That this is life, that I am a human being having a human experience. In the office today, Kate said something to me that stuck. She said, "you know sometimes it takes everything you have to go teach, but we just do it. We just keep going." This week, I didn't really feel like going at times. I didn't feel brilliant enough or profoudn enough. But that is me lying to myeslf. So I went, I kept going. I put my shoes on, said my prayers each morning, and told God that I was going to go out in the world to make a difference. Even if it is small. Its something right?

While at retreat, the "theme" for the week was, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Am I that change that I wish to see? I don't know. I probably don't give myself enough credit. I should give myself more credit, and I will. I will start. I may not be the most beautiful looking woman, or have the prettiest smile. Yeah I am awkward at times-- but I am me. I know I give my heart 134 million percent to what I do each day (okay that's alot of percent). Lets just say I try my best each day, because I believe in it with every fiber of my being. And to believe in something so much, I think that is beautiful. I have so much gratitude for my job that I can almost see the graitude as if it was tangible. I am sacrificing each day to something that is bigger than me. I am sacrificing because I believe. I believe I am that person to do this job. And that job is to live my life, to go out and make people feel beautiful, loved, supported, and to let them know they have a friend. And if I can make them laugh every once in a while, then that makes me happy.

With that being said, I will make a promise to myself each day that I will tell myself I am beautiful, just because I care so much about people. I should care about myself.

I am beautiful. As hard as that was to write. I really know that I am beautiful in this moment. And to me that is all that matters.

To all the beautiful people in my life you know who you are. Thank you for being so beautiful! You inspire me every single day to get up and do what i do best, and that is love you.

I was answered in the Sound of Thunder

There comes times in your life when you have to choose to either surrender or resist yourself. For many years I have resisted my true self and essence. It seemed to work out okay for the most part, but I always knew something wasn't right. When I was a young girl I battled with intense depression and anxiety. To the point that my poor parents did not know how to help me. I know they did the best they could and for that I will always be grateful. I was given anti-depressants as early as 11 years old and was on some type of medication as I journeyed all the way through highschool and a little bit through college. After really getting into running during my college days, I made the decision to get off the medications. I wanted to heal myself naturally. I found that running and working out very intensely was a way to self medicate. Running worked for awhile, but then I sensed that I was running away from something. I was running away from myself. After 9 marathons, many half marathons, and 4 Lotojas, I knew I wasn't being truly honest with myself.

Back in the day, there was no other choice but to turn to westernized medicine for help. It did help and I know it saved me in many circumstances. I was able to function for the most part. I am not saying there is anything wrong with it. But with everything I have learned through yoga therapy, I would now opt to go another direction for self healing. I participated in a program through Centered City Yoga and D'ana Baptiste this past year. Resonate Yoga Therapy school. I discovered that magic can occur by just listening to the body and giving the body the opportunity to surrender and let go. While in this process I have had to face my depression again, because I numbed myself over 15 years ago with drugs. After completing the program, I felt it all come back up, and I told myself I was willing to go through it again, this time with the intention of surrender. The last couple of months until now, I have felt a lack of courage and I really wanted to throw in the towell and give up. I would only have to call my doctor and he could write me a prescription just like that. It was the easy way out. Something in me told me to hang on, that I could face these demons and get through it. As a yoga instructor, I teach the path of surrender in all my classes, but for myself it seemed almost impossible. Every day I would get up and pray to God that he would help me get out of bed. I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and sleep it away. Each day the darkness and depression seemed to intensify. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I didn't want to turn to anybody, because the affect that my energy was having on myself alone, I didn't want to give off to anyone, especially those closest to me. So I would sit in my room and try to cry, but I felt numb. Couldn't get any tears to come. The sparkle in my eyes disappeared. But I knew that there were reasons I was feeling this way. I had to learn something more for myself. Once out of my bed, showered, dressed, and walking into the doors of the studios where I taught. I promised I would leave all that stuff out the door. Walking around in that space, listening to breath, watching determination take place, and witnessing surrender, I forgot about myself. It was only about them. I felt peace and bliss. As I closed the studio door of my work, there it was waiting for me. I would go home and meditate and give myself pep talks and intend to surrender over and over again. But with that came more resistance. Why? I wasn't sure I had the answers anymore. Tuesday, January 4th I asked God to help me. I was in tears this time. I asked God if he would hold space for me. I told God I wasn't strong enough to hold space for myself and the question kept coming to me, "How can I hold space for others when I cannot hold space for myself?" I didn't realize this until now as I write, but as I kept teaching day after day, my classes seemed to be more crowded and I was able to give them a class through my own life experiences, even if I wasn't okay. I was being real. I could still connect. So, I asked God, if there was a God...if he could answer my prayer not in a subtle voice, but in a sound of thunder. So I would know that I am supposed to be alive. So I can move forward and complete projects and do what I do best and love with all my heart and that is teaching yoga, being a loving, funny, compassionate, passionate and energetic human being.

Friday, January 7th changed my life, my prayer was answered in the sound of thunder that I had desparetly asked for. Ten thirty pm I was driving home from a long day, I wasn't in my body. I was excited to get home so I could sleep. Finding myself distracted while driving, the next thing I know I am in a head on car collision. I remember the feeling of fear that came over me after the crash had occured. The feeling of looking outside of your car after the realization of what had just happend, thinking you had just done something terribly wrong. I was feeling completely helpless, alone, and terrified, I looked outside my door, only to see a mangled up car in the intersection that I had struck. I began to panick. I was so sure I had killed someone, and I was feeling the guilt settle in me. A man, a angel that appeared right after the accident walked up to my car. He was homeless from what it seemed, and he said, "Are you okay?", " can I get you help?" I remember asking him to just stay with me, I just needed him to stay with me. He said something that I will never forget for the rest of my life. "I will stay with you as long as you need me, I am here." The 12 cop cars came blaring into the scene, alone with the 2 fire engines, and 3 ambulances. Left trauma in my body. From the looks of the scene nobody should be alive. Sitting on the side of the road waiting with this man for someone I knew to come was the longest moment in my life. All the feelings I had been feeling were nothing compared to how I was feeling in that moment. After help and family arrived this man that came to me eventually disappeared. I never got a chance to thank him, but he stayed with me. I know that for sure. I will never forget him. That night I was saved by the grace of God. I want to express my gratitude to God for saving that man and saving me. Giving her another chance.

Even though that was a hard night, there where things that I took away that I will never forget. Material things come and go. Yes, my car was totaled. But you can always buy a new car. People are what matter. Love is what matters. The moment. The momet you have now, embrace it. That people are good and they want to help. Life is short. Tell those people you love how much you love them every opportunity you can. It is really all that matters. Have gratitude for your life, even if it seems shitty at times. Its your life.

The people that showed up for me that night in person or in other ways, you will never understand the love that I have for you. You were there for me when I was literally lying in the trenches all alone. You were beside me. God is there and our prayers are answered. I walked away from that accident with a couple bruises, but yes, I walked away. There was my thunder, I was saved, and I have a life to live. I am supposed to be here. Now what? I have work to do, projects to complete, and a brilliance to own. I know I will have many more times of surrender, I will never stop learning. I have people to help wake up, so they can know of their brilliance. There is a lot of people who are walking around unconcious of their full potential. I want to be part of waking up this world. After all of this suffering and resistance, came a peace that I know what my purpose is in life. That is great gift to receive. That night will always be a reminder that no matter what, there is God. God is in you, and I. We are all connected. God came to me in the form of that stranger, who told me he would not leave me. God came in the form of my sister D' who walked silently down the sidewalk with her arms around me. God came in the form of my parents, who love me. My mothers embrace at the scene. God came in myself, when I thought I was alone, really I was there all along, hanging with myself in the darkest moments.

I write this for myself, so that I can remember this experience. I choose to write about it, because I see this experience now as a positive thing for my life. It was the moment that shook me into my power. I want to share this with all of you because I want you to know of your significance. In moments when you just want to give up, don't. Just surrender, be real with yourself. Love yourself unconditionally. Take care of you. Don't be afraid of what comes up, because under that "stuff" is you. life is so exciting. Life should be full of pleasure. I have the ability now to look underneath that stuff and love who I am. I saw that essence in me. When the resistance finally was gone, I was free. i was able to fly. Dear God, thank you for answering my prayer.

Graduating from Inbody Academy 2010

2010 was the best and one of the most challenging years of my life. I experienced things beyond what I thought was capable for my life. I am living in my wildest dreams and I am preparing for 2011 to be even better. Even though I have witnessed some of my dreams to come true this past year, I also was a witness to dark hours. There were many days where I didn't think I would make it through. I experienced the darkest sides of myself, uncovered spaces in my body that were neglected for a long time and accepted truths about myself that I wouldn't normally accept. Graduating from D'ana Baptistes inbody yoga academy was one of my greatest accomplishments and highlights of 2010. I will never forget the experiences and the family that is now a huge part of my life. These were the most phenomenal times of my life, most vulnerable times of my life, and most painful. I am honored to say that I was completely transformed by this program and will never look back. I realize now that I have my brillance and the world at my finger tips. I am not looking back. 2011 is all about expressing myself in my truths, and teaching from a genuine place, speaking my voice, and creating something from nothing. After realizing my power, I promise myself that I will fully embody my power and live my best most authentic life. I am so blessed that since graduation I have become a instructor for Centered City Yoga and I am able to teach for the best studio in the country. I am also incredibly passionate in assisting D'ana in bringing more students into Inbody Academy. I love my Centered City family. I cannot wait to support those I teach next to. I cannot wait for 2011 and all the abundance and success it will bring in my life. I am excited to bring as many people to yoga through my teaching, because it was what I was born to do. I wrote this credo for yoga therapy school. It is pretty much what I have learned about myself over the course of one year. It is my voice and I am discovering more about myself each day that I live.


MY CREDO
I am a courageous and transparent human filled with humility and inner awareness. I give my compassionate heart with a love that is simple, yet pure and real. I am filled up with overwhelming gratitude. My hands are giving hands, but I realize that I will let you down at times because I cannot please everybody. I am fierce loyalty. I will walk beside you, I will sit beside you, or I will lie beside you when nobody else will. I will hold space for you. I will cry with you and I will laugh with you. I will converse with you when no words are needed. I am safety and a protective heart. I will show up. I genuinely offer my gifts of caring love and kindness for the service of humanity. I am a young and old soul and I recognize the significance in each. I am extraordinary. I believe in the extraordinary. I believe in miracles. I have met with the darkest of night and woken up again and again to see sunlight, because I knew it would come. I am a strong mountain, a quiet stream, a erupting volcano, but at the end of the day, I dream of running with the sun into the horizon. I am a story of endurance, vulnerability, weakness, imperfections and experiences. If you look into my eyes I will tell you my story, because I cannot lie. I welcome you into my heart to stay for awhile if you need one. I will lead you up a mountain even when I do not feel strong enough. I am a powerful voice expressing trust in my inner guide to manifest my truths. I represent love and inclusion to help heal and change the lives of others. I am heart. I put my heart, sweat, and passion into people. Because I love people. I love God and I see God in you and I. I surrender to stillness, feeling and presence to allow for freedom and enlightenment. I am an open book and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am connected in a language that encourages, supports, loves, and strengthens others to help them discover their full potential. I am a treasure in a simple chest. I offer this treasure to raise the higher good in my life and in the lives I touch daily. I am not striving for perfection and accept my imperfections as beauty. I am Abigail Daw and she is enough.

Some pictures of my tribe, family, and soul sisters.

Why I write

When I write, I write from a place within that speaks to me every single day. I speak from a place of truth, and a place that I call home within. Sometimes that place is ugly, and sometimes it is joyful. But no matter what, i always speak from a place of complete gratitude. Even for the ugliness, and even for the sun. This is me, and that is where I begin today. I begin with me. Today I speak because I can, I speak because I am now everything and everyone that I need to know in order to be real.

How do I express myself in the way that I would like. I go to a deeper place. A very dark place. A place that I used to hide from, and a place that I always knew was there, but was never willing to explore with a bright enough light. I neglected that place, I pretended that place had no name, never a place of existence and that place would rot inside of me until its death. I tried to cover it up with every possible camoflauge known to man. I never gave it a name, a truth, it was not part of me, how could it be? This was not me. So I journey'd forward. I felt you every day. It felt like a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of one shoe. Trying to believe it wasn't there, but knowing it was there the whole time. My steps sticky.

One day, it would go away. Right? One day. It was ugly, I am not ugy. How could I bare to be ugly. Let me cover you back up again, stand on stage and act in the lights. Pretending you were not there all along. I did a pretty damn good job, I was a great actress. You were the act of my life. But still you sat in my there waiting for me, laughing, rotting in me. Until today, I held up the white flag. I give. You are me, I am you, lets do this together.

Today I welcome you with open arms. Embracing your colors, and your lessons. You are me, and I am you. It is me, it is stamped with the genuine stamp. You are what makes me original, and strong, and pretty darn powerful. Today I am proud that I can unveil that camoflauge and say thank you for what you taught me. Thank you for what you helped me to realize about myself. Life is too short to not be who you are. Live you truths, when you can be okay with that. Life is peace. Life is amazing, and life is exactly the way it is supposed to be. I love her. She is special. She has work to do. People to see and touch. Today she moves forward, laughing with it, and knowing she knew all along.

What is PEACE?

Today I am drawn to the word peace, the feeling that surrounds that word, and what it means to me. My body has been feeling the exact opposite this past week. And I haven't been able to really put my finger on why. There has been this uncomfortable feeling of anxiety that has been festering in my belly. I even experienced a nightmare a few nights ago that woke me up at 3 am, and caused me to feel more of that yucky feeling. I knew what I was feeling was the exact opposite of peace.

This week, I haven't been feeling like I normally do. Those feelings of uneasiness became so intense today, that I knew I wanted to find out why. I have been extra hard on myself, and I have also been snapping at those in my life whom I love the most, and I didn't know why. But I was aware that I was choosing to express myself in a way that wasn't so pretty. So today I write, because I was able to have an experience this afternoon that brought me to the place of peace inside. That place that I have been disconnected from lately. I was able to understand those feelings, without getting angry with myself. Realizing that my imperfections, my ugly side is what makes me human. Is what a lot of us all feel every single day. I discovered that I was allowing for old feelings, past experiences and attachments to manifest again inside of me. Not allowing for myself to let go of them. But today I knew they were there, and I felt them. Haunting me like they used to.

Peace may mean something completely different to you then it does for me, but that is ok. We all go through life and have our own human experiences. But I have realized that we are all connected, and we are all one, and I know that peace is something that we all would like to feel. So, to get back to the question, what is peace to me? How do I describe the feeling? As I write, I will open up to my vulnerable side, which is hard for me to do, but our vulnerable sides are sides that we should all embrace. I am choosing to embrace that side of myself today. I always make sure that I have the right intentions. Today my intention is to only express my genuine and real authentic side. Vulnerability is okay for me today. Vulnerability is what manifested peace for me today.

For as long as I can remember, there is a picture perfect place in my mind that I can go to in my dreams to feel peace. It is in this picture that I have posted above. I rememeber the first time I saw this picture, the feelings of peace came over me. I love this picture, I feel that this piece of art work was created for me. I love to take myself to this picture sometimes. It is my little imaginary place of solitude. I know inside that peace is so much more than just a picture. But when I want to feel a glimpse of peace, I take myself to my magical place. Today I went in search for that feeling, and this time taking myself to my beautiful picture wasn't doing me any good. I knew that I needed to dig a little bit deeper. I have been having a really hard time meditating lately. I felt like when it comes to meditation, I kinda suck at it. I can never stay focused. I have too much dialogue going on in my mind. My legs fall asleep, so I feel uncomfortable in my body. But today my intention was different. I was ready to surrender. And with that intention opened a different door, and I was able to discover the meaning of peace for me. I took myself into my bathroom, and sat on the bathroom rug in my meditation posture. Still was unsure of this whole process. Immediately I started to beat myself up, almost to the point where I was creating internal bruises just by what I was thinking about myself. It was this intense lack of love, respect, and every other feeling of hatred that you can have for yourself came into my body. It was the last thing that I was looking for to feel. I was feeling complete and utter chaos, disrespect, and sadness. But as I listened to my thought pattern, and became aware of how unhealthy these thoughts were, and what kind of feelings I was creating by thinking them. I noticed that love was not in relation to anything that I was thinking at that moment. As I continued to self sabotage, I was stopped in my thoughts. I began to pray, without even realizing it until I heard myself say Dear God. It was like God called my attention, and told me to stop. The love that was held out for me to hold onto was immediately felt. It was the feeling you would get of grabbing onto a floating raft in the ocean so that you could feel support. Dear God. (not a GOD that you or I have created) But God, the same God that is in you and I and in everything. The God that loves us unconditionally, the God that I see and feel in myself and others daily. The God that loves my imperfections, and the God that created this beautiful world that I get to live in. The God that is non-judgmental, the God that gave me my body, and my life. I prayed to that God. The God that I know loves me despite all the ugly things I have done in life. And I started to feel peace. Pictures came into my mind of those that I know love me. Their faces were so clear. The faces that appeared to me were those that I were afraid of letting down. I knew that I had their unconditional love. Peace was starting to become manifested. But as I sat there, I knew there was more to realize. Because without all of the love and support of those dear people in my life, there had to be something else that brought me peace. As I sat there feeling still numb to my emotions, I had an overwhelming feeling of love for myself. A feeling that I have been lacking for awhile. I had some tears, not a ton. But I had some. That is a step in the right direction. I haven't been able to cry, and feeling that emotion confirmed to me that I need to love myself. I need to believe in myself a little bit more than I do. I need to take care of myself. I am realizing more about myself every single day, and I know that I need to trust what I already know. But sometimes my old habits creep up on me, and I am learning to cancel them out of my life, and begin new habits. I need to be ok with making mistakes, and I need to be with my ugly side, the side that I like to pretend is not there amongst all of you. But these feelings are real, and I am owning them. They are not who I am, but they are real. I have a ego that likes to sit in the drivers seat, and I have a self that gets smothered by my ego sometimes. My self, that voice that guides my inner authentic side, is the side I can embrace. I just need to take more time to come to that place to when I stop and really look inside, has been there all along trying to speak to me. At the end of my prayer I discovered that I have had peace inside all along. It was there, waiting for me to discover. Peace is simple. Peace is self love, and love for all that surrounds us. I felt peace when God whispered to me exactly what I am meant to be in this life, and all that internal conflict I was feeling, turned into a overwhelming feeling of love for myself that I am always going to be grateful for. And I knew I would be ok.

So peace to me goes like this....

Peace is love. Peace is that amazing unconditional love. Peace is that love that I have for myself, and for people. I love people. Peace is that feeling when you have this realization that we are all connected. Peace is that feeling when you know God is inside of you, and everyone on this earth. Peace is that feeling of being so connected with the earth, and the love for the beauty of it. Peace is that feeling of gratitude. Peace is that feeling you get inside when you serve someone. Peace is that feeling I get when I am able to connect with another soul while teaching a yoga class. That blanket of energy that surrounds me like a hug when I walk through that space cueing people to inhale and exhale. Peace is that twinkle in my niece and nephews eyes. Peace is when my Dad and Mom tell me that they are proud of me. Peace is that place of stillness inside. Peace is presence. Peace is awareness. Peace is in that conversation with a friend when two souls connect on the same level and they just understand one another. Peace is that connection with a friend who is your kindred spirit. Peace is hard work, and persistence. Peace is family. Peace is nature. Peace is putting trust in yourself. Peace is honesty. Peace is being a part of this world at this time and in this moment. Peace is laughter. Peace is the sound of music of some of my favorite artists, such as Sarah Mclachlan, Enya, and Elton John. Peace is a big fat huge hug. I love hugs, and that is peace. Peace is watching determination in my yoga class. Peace is looking into the face and eyes of the elderly and of children. Peace is courage. Peace is being content with myself, and knowing that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be. Peace is so much. Peace is knowing that God is in us all. Peace is experiencing my life exactly the way it is right now. Peace is truly simple to achieve, we just need to stop and feel it. Peace is love.....Peace is love....Peace is love.....

I pray for peace on this earth. And it starts and ends with me every single day that I get to live. That is why I choose to do what I do daily. And I only hope to do my best every single day.......that is all I can ask for. Bringing what I am able every day. A little bit more peace to my life, and the lives of others by sharing what I know inside myself.

To My Life Teachers

I enjoy writing. I enjoy writing because I am able to put into words, feelings and emotions things I would not usually vocalize outside of the keyboard. Writing is personal, which is why I don't care if others are critical of what I have to say. I know I am writing what comes from my heart, and what I choose to express is authentic to me. For those who choose to read, I hope that you know that I appreciate it. It tells me that you have an interest in what I might have to say, whether it's good, bad, or ugly.

A lot has changed in my life over the course of 1 year. And despite the failures, and successes that have brought me to this place. I can say that I am proud of myself. I have had some major ups and downs through this process, and I am feeling a shift of internal awareness every single day that I normally would have neglected in the past. I am aware now of the stuff that I need to let go of in order to move forward. Shifting away from old thought patterns that don't seem to serve me, and creating space for the moment, which is where I have noticed my truth resides. As I have experienced change, I have often been forced to stop in my day to think of all those important people who have played a huge role in my life. I am so thankful for those mentors, teachers, and friendships who have given me a reason to keep on swimming every single day! "Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming." Dori

When I was in elementary school I remember two teachers that had a huge effect on my life. Mrs Jepson, who was my second grade teacher and Mrs Millet who was my 5th grade teacher. The love they both extended towards me, will never be forgotten. I cannot thank them enough for seeing me, and for loving me. I still remember the cookie monster cake Mrs Jepson made for me on my birthday.

Mrs Cindy Nelson, thank you for being that teacher in 9th grade who was my friend. You were one of those coaches/teachers in life that I will never forget. You didn't take life so seriously, and in 9th grade that was all I needed.

To Mrs Anita Stites, I had the dream to play on the high school basketball team. I played Jr. Jazz growing up and every night basketball with the neighbor kids. I was in love with basketball. It was my life. I had hopes of one day playing in the WNBA. It was a real dream at 15 years old. When I was not picked my sophomore year, I was crushed. I was the only one amongst all my close peers that did not make the team. I thought my life was over. But I remember how I felt when you came walking into my 6th period Biology class, taking me out into the hall and asking me to join the team. I remember your words, "Are you willing to work hard?" Ever since then I have always worked hard to do my very best. Something ignited in me that day, and I have never taken it for granted. Even though I was not the star player by any means, you gave me a chance. That chance sparked a fire in me that eventually drove me to go on and accomplish some incredible goals as an athlete. You gave me that tool of determination, and will power. I never gave up, and I never will. Thank you.

To a friend who guided me through some rough times in life. You introduced me to my passion. A passion that will lead the rest of my life. Without your passion, I would have never found the passion that I have now for what I do. You were the only one at that time in my life to help plant that very important seed. Thank you for allowing me to get my feet wet in the fitness world. Seeing that I had potential as an instructor, extending tools so that I could grow, and then listening to your intuition when you guided me into another path that gave me better opportunities. At the time, I didn't understand why, but now I know and I couldn't be more grateful. Even though we no longer get to share our experiences with one another, I know that everything happened exactly the way it was supposed to. Thanks for teaching me, and mentoring me. Thank you for having that contagious passion that created something bigger in me. I will never forget you.

To KD, you are the bomb! You were the one that really saw that something in me, that I didn't see. When you asked me to go to cycle summit in Minnesota with you, is when I finally recognized in myself that I had something to offer. You gave me the opportunity of a lifetime. The friendships I gained from that experience, as well as the confidence will always stand out as an incredible memory. I look up to you. You are so intelligent, hilarious, and not afraid to speak your mind. You have given me that extra boost of confidence when I didn't believe I had anything of importance to express. Thanks for showing me through example. You have been an incredible leader, boss, friend, and mentor. And I love you so much. I am excited for more memories we will be making.

To D' my soul sister. The only words that come to mind. I love you. I feel like all the mentors that have lead me to this point, have lead me to you. A very significant mentor. You have taught me to love myself. You are my Angel. And without saying too much, because I could go on and on. The only thing that I have to say is. "You get it" and I think that you see in me what you know is in you. Compassion for people. "There are things you do because they feel right, and they may make no sense and they may make no money, and it may be the real reason we are here: To love each other and to eat each other's cooking and say it was good." You are paving the way for me, and I am so grateful. You and I have many projects to complete together.

To my family, I love you! My parents, I can't write how I feel about them without there being tears. To my beautiful mother who is my best friend. Who has been my permanent buddy. I always know she will be there when I need her wisdom. She is there to always love me unconditionally. I didn't deserve her, but somehow I was lucky enough to have her as my Mom. I am forever indebted to you. But know how much I love you. To my Dad, you have been the best Dad. You have bailed me out on many occasions. You have guided me, and you have held me up on a pedestal that I didn't deserve. I always wanted to be like you, and I am so grateful you are my Dad. Never forget that. To my parents, thanks for standing by me daily to make sure I was protected and loved.

To my beautiful sisters, and brother. We stick together forever. And I love you, and know I am always here for you. Always. And I know you will always be there for me.

Dear Tony, Kat, Maddie, Brie, and Ciel. There are no words but I love you. We are family, and I am so grateful for you.

Friends--you handful that have stood by me my entire life, you know exactly who you are. And you are my every day angels. I love love love you. Jessie and Megan, I love you. DEBB T2 what will I ever do without you.

I needed to share my gratitude. My heart is so consumed with it. And I wanted to put it out there. I am so happy with life right now, and I am so excited for where life is taking me. These incredible people that I have spoken about in my writing deserve to know. You are all my angels, and I felt the need to express this. When you feel something, I have learned to not let the opportunity pass you by to express it. You never know the effect it might have on that person.

Thanks for reading. I love you.

Immerse Yourself

I did. I immersed myself. I gave it everything my mind-body-and soul would allow me to give. And I discovered, I discovered me, the greatest gift I have ever given myself.

Last week, I was given the experience of my life to go on a 5 day yoga retreat tucked back into the beautiful Altamont Utah, where we stayed at Hidden Ranch. A place now that I would call my home away from home. Or if i were to think of a heaven on earth, that would be the place. I have been participating for the past 5 months in a very intense yoga certification through the brilliant D'ana Baptiste at Centered City Yoga. I have blogged about my experiences with this certification before, and I have expressed how this training has really changed my life. Going into this retreat, I kinda had an idea of how amazing this retreat would be. But like I said "KINDA," Now being home almost one week after experiencing this retreat, absorbing what I felt. I still cannot find the right words to express on how this retreat changed my life. I have come to the conclusion that there really are no words, you just had to be there to understand. But I want to remember the best I can, so I am choosing to blog and express to the best of my ability. It was nothing less then amazing that is for sure. The first day getting out the door was very difficult for me. My car had broken down the night before, and I was told that I would be unable to drive it 2 hours to the retreat. I was upset the next morning scrambling for a solution, knowing that I had to be at the airport within 1 hour to pick up someone who would be counting on me to drive them to the retreat as well. I knew somehow that all would be well, and was able to get someone to fix my car within 30 minutes of having to be to the airport. I knew that I was meant to take on this retreat, and nothing was going to stop me from getting there. Even if it meant walking, I was showing up. Picking up Brie was only the beginning of this amazing experience. Brie whom I had never met before picking her up, suddenly became a friend that I felt like I had known for a very long time. I now know that I was meant to meet Brie, and I feel like I have a friend forever in her. Thank you Brie, for beginning the process of what would be one of the best weekends I have had to this point in my lifetime.

Arriving at the ranch 3 p.m on Weds April 28Th, I was a little bit nervous. I had no idea what to expect. Walking in and putting my stuff to my assigned bunk and roomies, I still did not know what to feel. Excitement? Fear? Definitely a little bit of both. I had jumped the first hurdle of getting there, and I was ready for whatever was about to come my way. I knew before going into this retreat, that I was more ready then I have ever been in my life. Our first night began with an amazing practice taught by D'ana and then followed by an amazing dinner with all of us ending the night sitting in the circle introducing ourselves. I was thinking to myself, what would I have to say that is profound. Look at all these amazing people sitting around me, I really didn't know what I was going to say. As I listened to my new family, I knew without a doubt that I was in the right place, at the right time, with people that I felt like I had already known before arriving. I felt completely at ease. Even if I didn't have all the answers to why I was there, I was sitting right where I was supposed to be in that moment. And little did I know I would soon have the answers that I was searching for.


Wake up at 630 ready for Pranayama. Breath work. I had never experienced this before. But before I knew it, I was so engaged in this process. I loved waking up to the sun. We would sit out on the deck all cozy in our pajamas breathing in the beautiful morning. I cannot believe the difference it makes in your day, just by beginning with connection to your breath. I realized while sitting there that normally I would roll out of bed without a thought of my breath or even connecting to it. And off to start the day in a hurry. While I was engaged in this breath work the first morning, I was waiting for some incredible things to be opened to me, a breakthrough maybe, because like I said, I was ready. Nothing happened that first day, it was like I was hearing crickets in my mind. Well OK, I did hear cows. I never wake up to cows mooing. I wasn't disappointed, because never in my life have I taken the time to wake up breathing to the sun before I start my day. I was grateful. I was grateful for the cows too. I was grateful that I was alive, and that I had my breath. This breath work every morning was the beginning process of connecting to self which is something that I had been lacking since I was a little girl.

Who am I? Learning more. I know that I am quick to beat myself up, I am cruel to myself. The first morning practice I was angry. I was upset and my mind was not connected. Was I even doing yoga? Well so I thought, but little did I know what I was holding on to, and choosing not to surrender too. What I did take from that practice is that I rarely support myself. Evidence that I don't love myself is lingering. Hard to learn, but lesson one was being unveiled to me. Still a success, every practice was a success because after all was said and done, I learned something new each time I stepped on the mat.

Lunch break! What an amazing cook we had up there, I am still grateful. Patty you were a beautiful cook, and I thank you for feeding me. My body absorbed it so quickly, it nourished me completely.

Practice two. Surrender! Something that I didn't do in the first practice. BREAKTHROUGH. My first bit of magic. That low lunge, brought tears. But I was completely willing to surrender. With the help of D'ana, I was truly able to surrender. I trusted myself. I started to see that even though I admitted to not loving myself in the morning practice, that there was a glimmer of hope within. I embraced myself in the afternoon practice. I was more stable, more engaged, and more in touch within my body. I was more observant of my thoughts, and breath. Savasana, I saw her. Red zip up sweatshirt, she always wore it. Red it was her favorite color.....now its green. But I saw her, a shy smile. Blond hair tucked behind her ears. Her bangs always pinned back, and blue jeans. I hugged her. I hugged that 7 year old. I told her it was okay. I said sorry. And I told her I loved her. It was as real as if it really happened. I was so connected to her and this moment, that I don't know how I even woke out of it in time. I have never been so relaxed in my life. I felt safe....

I was numb. Very numb. i stuffed all my feelings down, because most my life I have told myself its better to be strong. Its weak to show tears, and your vulnerability. It is exactly why I know that I have failed in all of my intimate relationships. Nobody wants to be with someone who is not willing to show vulnerability, walls, and who is too strong. I was numb. Until the tears came, the flood gates opened and they wouldn't stop. Breath circle did something to me. I don't know how, but I began to feel. I was OK with it. Yes, I was embarrassed, and I wondered who would see, and who would think I was weak. But then I remembered it was OK. Normally, if you ask those that know me. I don't hug much, I have walls up. I am not one to be really affectionate. But I will admit now, that I have craved it for SO long. I have ached for it. Before now, I shut that part of me off. Like it wasn't needed. I thought for some reason I didn't deserve it. When the tears were streaming down my face, I craved that touch. I prayed for it. It happened, and I felt loved. I knew that It was OK to be sad, because in that moment I felt loved. Once I embraced those feelings again, every chance I got to hug, I would. I would hug so tightly, and I didn't want to let go. I knew that I was making up for all that lost time. I was refilled.

Dear Hug, you were all I needed. Thank you! From, Abbey


My center...My heart....I felt them, and they were open. I felt my heart as if I was holding it in the palms of my hands. I felt so alive. I was WILLING to receive. I am now worthy of it. I am worthy of true love, and one day soon. It will come.

Dear past friend, I forgave you. You know who you are. I hope you forgave me. I cried my last tear for you. I wrapped that green ribbon around my soul for you, and forgave you. I sent it out to you, and I hope you felt it, because I did. It felt amazing.

Dad, I love you. I know you did the best you could with me. You are an amazing Dad. I love you Dad.

LOVES DIVINE-SEAL. That song was so powerful. I love you Abbey.

Time for some silence. I experienced silence in my life. What amazing things you learn about yourself in quiet times. I learned that I love silence. My life is loud, I have a lot going on. Being away from the phone, computer, music, gym, ect. The only thing I had was my thoughts. Wisdom flows. Wisdom flows within when you have silence. Thank you for granting me silence, it was a great nap!

Saturday, May 2. 2010

Today I was supposed to do an Iron man. That in my mind was supposed to bring me to myself. That was my false identity. I had to prove myself in that way (so I thought) so that others might see me and know me and approve of me. So that I again could feel worthy of being loved. Today I was supposed to cross a finish line that was going to give me the satisfaction, that I am worthy. But instead, today I chose to be still. Stillness. Stillness is good. I chose to stay within myself. To see, and know, and understand the pain for what it was. I felt that pain of what it meant. I identified with her, but this time I was honest. I got to know her for real. Today I chose a path that took me beyond any finish line. I have been given a gift that is more precious then that of any Iron man Medal. Instead the medal is my heart, and I wear it with pride, shining for the whole world to see. Allowing anyone inside that will nurture it. This medal represents, courage, strength, hard work, fears, tears, bliss, sadness, authenticity, and this medal represents passion, spirituality, dreams, hope, and faith. But most of all, this medal represents the real Abbey, and I am proud of her.


BLISSFUL! That is what I am feeling by now. I finally let go! I jumped in, and I didn't hold back. I gave everything I had that day. Everything, that I possibly could find within. Everything that I could give, I gave.

I danced! I never dance! I danced all night long! I normally am the person that sits on the sidelines, wishing that I had the guts to get out on the floor and shake it. But that night. Nothing held me back! It was so freeing. I am going to never stop dancing now. I danced! I danced! I danced! Then I went to bed, and slept like a baby! Much needed. Did I say I danced! How exciting for me. BREAKTRHOUGH!

The last morning Pranayama, something happened this time. The only words I have to explain the way things opened up for me was effortless. I was more open to feel and see from a place that I had never looked at before. And I saw it so clearly! My dreams beginning to unfold. I am not going to just be a dreamer, I know now what I am capable of being. That my dreams are mine to grasp. I am the master of my own destiny. I choose to be that woman one day that I told that little girl I could never be. It felt so good! But Then I realized that my weekend was about to close. And I began to feel sad, and I didn't want to leave just yet. I needed more time. But I had learned enough about myself that I was more then excited to go home, and start living my truths.

Final Salutations. Last practice. I observed everyone, the way they moved. The energy. We were a family, completely connected. We had been through so much together. We had cried a lot, laughed even more, danced, fell down, slept, leaned on, sweat, sang, hugged, shared, breathed, felt, gave, received, and not to mention (pigeoned, frogged, folded, lunged, and even MOOED together) I could keep going on. (you get the point?) We went through a whole lot together. During our last practice I noticed we all even moved together as if we were all the same breath. We shared so much. We truly became a family.
In the last practice, the most amazing thing that I observed was D'ana. She had watched over us the entire retreat. What an amazing and inspiring weekend she put together for all of us. Her passion is unbelievable. Her authenticity was revealed in every practice. Her dedication was seen, and her love and time for her work was felt. Her connection and dedication to all of us, gave us all the ability to move mountains within ourselves. Her unconditional love was undeniable. I felt so grateful. I felt so lucky to be a student of D'anas. I felt so grateful to be able to learn from myself as well. D'ana extended the tools, and I was willing to accept them. She taught me that what I learn from myself, is to be felt within. I observed the way she moved with us. She was sending us on our way, our angel protecting us and guiding us throughout our last practice. The sun was beaming through the windows. Everything was that of peace, and serenity. Wow! Is all I could think to myself. Was this really ending? Was it a dream........

I learned, I gave, I hugged, I cried, I listened, I felt, I noticed, I surrendered, I finally let go! I found hope, and I was leaving with faith. I learned to stay grounded, and I was feeling the internal bliss of who I really was. I discovered that. I did the work! What a great feeling. I felt brand new. I felt as though I was stepping out of a armor that had held me bound for so long. I felt again, that I really truly loved myself for the first time. I came back to self, knowing that it was OK to feel again. I had left that for so long. Knowing that stillness is sometimes better then chaos. That its not about the finish line, it is the journey in between. And if you have to stop and breath along the way, everything in life is more at ease. That you feel more abundantly blessed, and the bliss is easily recognized. The best part for me, was learning at the age of 28 what I know I must do for the rest of my life. Watch out world! Until next time..............I will remember every day the affect you had on my life.