Friday, April 27, 2012

Feeling alive.

As I sit down yet again to create another blog, listening to my thoughts, "Abbey please write, you have so much to say!" I will not wrestle with my thoughts, I know what I want to say. So, I write. I write to this moment; this moment is all that I have, and I will do my best, to never take one more moment for granted. I have a outpouring feeling of gratitude for my life. I am here, at my favorite coffee shop in Salt Lake City, near my home on 9th/9th. This little part of town, is my home. It is my favorite place to expend my time. Since moving to my home, in this lively part of town, almost 1 year ago; I have experienced joy, that I never thought was possible for my life. I feel completely mortal, vital, cognizant, ALIVE! I actually exist, and it feels really fucking good! I am conscious, and this feeling of vitality, is moving through me; dancing, flowing, through every cell and vein in my body. I love it, because it is my life. It is my own paramount life. Right now, the word I choose that best desribes this feeling is, WOW! I sit here, and I think of that word, alive. What makes me feel so alive right now? It is an interesting question, because I would have not been able to accurately answer that question more than a year ago. Now, I have a clear understanding of what that word, "alive" means for my life. I am learning more about it that word each day, and it excites me! The more I feel alive, the better my life is in the moment. I have realized that there is so much joy available in every moment; we just need to available to acquire it. The more I put up my walls, and shut myself off to life, the more numb I feel to life. I choose to always be available to the sweet moments that life always grants me. Life is a gift. I had the incredible opportunity to teach yoga tonight. As I experienced, listened, adhered to the ebb and flow of my thoughts, I sensed, that not a lot of people truly feel alive in their own bodies. I gather that people may feel trapped, claustrophobic, and it has become a habitual belief that there is absolutely no way of moving out of that place. Almost like we are not allowed to FEEL; but to feel numb is common ground, and we become accustomed to feeling this way. I assumed this, only because I have experienced all of these feelings, and I suppose we are all connected. I have always known truth for myself, that I never want to lead an "ordinary," life. It's not how I am meant to live my life. I felt alive at such an early age, that I shut myself off to every feeling that would move through me. It was too much for my body to handle. So, when I allowed myself to feel again, it surprised me. It felt like the impossible, became possible for my life. I really did not know what it felt like to be alive, until I got my body back. What creates that feeling of vitality in my body? Well, I have concluded that it starts with my body, staying connected at all times. I have found it more convenient to leave from time to time. I have discovered that my body likes to move with grace, pliancy, dignity, and ease. It has an elegance that cultivates so much. It is such a profound thing for me to move my body, to express, and dance, and give my body life. I have noticed, that my body has been depleted of that lively feeling for a long time, and it thirsts for life. Now, my body thanks me every day, that I can be conscious of every feeling that runs through me. I can acknowledge, and I am grateful for everything I can feel now, even if it feels, uncomfortable to be ME at times. The human touch, makes me feel alive. I know what it feels like to be touched, and to desire that touch. I never used to. I never felt I deserved that type of gentle care. To be recognized, I never knew how it felt to be looked at in my eyes, so deeply, that you are SEEN, for who you are. I have caught an actual glimpse of myself, and I don't want to lose sight of it, for one more minute of my life. I like what I see now. I think I always have, I was just to afraid to look closely at my own essence, afraid I would discover that I am extraordinary. Simple things THIS week, I have noticed, that nourish my soul with that life, that has become an addiction for my body. Witnessing love. Deep conversation. Teaching yoga. Eye contact, if you look deep enough, you can see SOUL. Friends approaching. A hug that means something. Connection. Tears. A beautiful letter. Celebration. Good Food. Music. Long walks in the majestic mountain's with dear friends. Soul Mates. A cup of coffee at Coffee Garden. People. Gentleness. Laughter. Exhaustion, reminds me that I have worked hard. Sparkling water, Pellegrino. A text, that says, "I love you." Red Wine. Silence. The Sky. A rainy night. My Soul Friend. Realizing the miracle in the unknown. Being in the moment. Without expectation. The sun. Closeness. Safety. Centered City Yoga. Witnessing breath move through bodies, as I teach yoga. Art. Walking in my barefeet. My cat, Nala. Food on the table. An invite to be with friends. My big heart, that tells me how alive I am Discovering what I desire! Family. My walls tumbling down into a big pile, messy, lovely. Awareness. I exist in every moment, and I bring a profound beauty and brilliance to life and into the lives of others. I am okay with this now, I accept, I agree. You and I have a life to live. Come be alive with me! Marvel at the sky, when you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. Smile at a stranger, when you cannot seem to find anything to smile about in that moment. Take care of yourself, so that you can bring that vivacity to someone else's life. YOU are their paradise in that very RARE moment that you have to spend with that special person. I have experienced a NEW life. I want to live. I have a passion for life, that give's me a reason to wake up every morning, and be excited to walk down the street to my favorite coffee shop, and have coffee with my favorite people. It is the simple things that matter. Stay alive. Don't leave, the world needs you, today. Tonight. Tomorrow. Look at the moon tonight before you go to sleep, discover something new about how it shines in the night sky. Watch the sun come up, and sit long enough to feel it on your skin. EAT, and TASTE your food. Look at someone long enough, to discover who they are, they are revealing something so perfect for you to see. Don't miss out on it. It's brilliant. Good night.

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