Looking for it in all the wrong places

The past week has been week full of little tender mercies. I have learned recently through a couple of epiphany's what I must do in order to continue to walk down this path of life. It is a path that seems narrow at times, a path that others may not agree with, but a path that is my own, that I constructed and created for myself. A path that I know is my truth, and a path that I know connects me to everyone around me and most of all the path that connects me to God. I have discovered that I cannot overlook things about myself to make them go away. I cannot hide from the things that I fear in myself. I must take a look at them for what they are and love that part of myself. In order to free myself from fear, I most find that uncondtional love. Not the uncondtional love that I know resides in me for others, but the unconditional love that one should have for themselves.

A few nights ago I had the opportunity to go to the arts festival in downtown Salt Lake City. A city that I have grown to cherish. I love the energy that surrounds this city, I love the people, I love the smells. My favorite thing about Salt Lake is that I get to walk down 9th/9th in my barefeet and say hello to someone having tea or coffee reading the paper, and enjoying every moment they have with that coffee. I love the diversity. I love how everyone seems to know everyone's name and if they don't, well then they are a familiar face. I love that I can stare out the window of CCY and see Great Harvest across the street, and know that Brooke or Julie are probably over there making sandwiches. I am proud to call it my home.

It had been a long week of work. I took the opportunity to go hang out with my friends and enjoy the night listening to live music and having a drink of wine. I love wine--and if you know me we also know that I LOVE my work, that it is a part of the reason why I exist. I have a reason of being, and that reason for being is why I am choosing to fight like hell for myself. As I was walking around the festival with my friends, enjoying the night, and watching people--I picked up on an overwhelming energy that made me feel paralyzed. As I recognized this feeling, I knew it wasn't mine. I had to walk away from the situation, catch some fresh air, and shake off what seemed to be smothering me. I asked God to do something for me, to let me know I am not alone, and that love is stronger than this feeling I was experiencing. As I re-collected myself, and made my way back to the company of my friends, I heard a voice in my mind that told me to stay. Now looking back this experience changed me for the rest of my life. It was a pivotal moment in my life where I knew what had to be done. As we stood in front of the stage with hundreds of people behind us, I was claustrophobic, I now had a headache that would not seem to subside. Before I could leave, I found that the singer on stage drew his attention in my direction. In my mind, I was not in the mood for any fun and games. I felt as though I was in a nightmare, and I just wanted out. He proceeded to ask me my name, held out his mic so I could inform the entire audience what my name was. As embarrassed as I was...I told him, very "quietly". He then asked the crowd to chant my name. In that moment I felt loved. I had to glance up the sky and say to God, "really!" I am not alone for sure. I did start laughing. I felt the love of everyone around me. And in that moment, I truly understood what I believe in, we are all connected. God was watching out for me.

My friend that I am very grateful for this day said something to me earier that evening that stuck in my mind. She said, "Abbey, you are a people pleaser." This of course was said out of love, and I have no hard feelings. She went on to express that I do so much for others, that I need to make sure that I take care of myself first. I did not hold up a defense, because I believed her. In the past I have looked in many different situations for love. I have looked to get married in the temple, because I thought that is what God wanted me to do. But when that didn't happen, I felt like I let God down. I looked so deeply to fall in love and have that fairytale wedding. I thought that is exactly what I had to do, the path I must take. SO I even resorted to online dating, and believe me that is not my idea of fun. I felt like I had 5 job interviews a week, just to see if I was "good enough" for some man. And not to disrespect the online dating world, it works for a lot of people, but this just wasn't for me. This took me further away from who I really was. When the online dating didn't work. I just gave up on myself. I had nowhere to turn, and I felt defeated. I can now look back on my life and be very grateful for all these many experiences. I know why I ran like I did, biked like I did, and beat myself up like I did. All to prove to myself that I was unworthy of love. All to prove to myself that I had a deep hatred for myself.

Without those dark moments, I would have never found myself. I think I found her, and now that I know that all she really needs is acceptance and love for who she really is....my life can really begin. It took this experience that evening at the arts festival for me to really find clarity in a big mess of a headache. I often remember something that my dear friend, sister, and teacher saying to me once, "You are looking for love in all the wrong places." When she said that to me before, I didn't quite understand what she meant. As I was walking back to my car after the end of this concert...the words seemed to echo in my ears. I knew what she meant, and I knew where I needed to go to find love. I need to surrender to Gods will, and I need to accept love for myself. I need to fall completely in love with who I am. Because I haven't. I think I am a great person. I have talent and gifts. But If I were to say to myself, "I love you" I don't know if I would believe her. These 3 simple words that I use every single day, to let others know that I love them. I need to fall in love with myself. Embrace myself. Surrender to my anger, rage, and know that it is okay to not always have a smile on my face. That I don't have to be okay all the time. As I have found alot of inner peace in this, I told my own mom that I have to fall in love with myself, before love in a soulmate form will ever come into my life. She turned to me and said, "God made you exactly the way you were supposed to be, and that is the truth." I know as I fall in love with myself, all my dreams will come true.

Tonight I chose to surrender to the rage and anger. It wasn't easy. I put my trust in God that I could go to that dark place. And I did. I was able to let go of some things that have been bottled up inside. I feels as though I let go of 15 lbs of fear, anger, rage, etc. Now as I continue forward each day, I promise myself that I am going to love myself first. That I am going to give to myself what I promise to give to others every day, because I love unconditionally. There are people in my life that I love with all my heart. The compassion for these friends and family members in my life, is eternal. If I can love that much, and I have seen that love, I know that I can love myself with all my heart.

Right now I am not searching for a soulmate to walk into my life. My focus is to fall in love with myself in each moment. To remind myself that I am just as deserving of love as everyone else. And to fully accept love that is extended towards me each day. If a soulmate comes into my life while in this process, then I will welcome it. But I know that I have a lot of work to do. I feel like this is life long habitual patterns that I require a slow unraveling, but as I get closer to the love, ANYTHING is possible. I have dreams that I want to accomplish in life, some I already have, and some yet to be accomplished. if I can follow my heart, and give myself fully to each day, and love myself, I know that I can love more and more each day that I am alive. I thank God for being patient with me. And if I learned anything at all mostly that it is to not take everything so serious, to not put too much pressure on myself and to just appreciate the moment. I teach yoga, and I teach this each day to those that come to my class and step on the mat. Teaching yoga is just a reminder to me that we are all equal, connected, moving forward together each day in this amazing thing called life. I have an identity beyond that though, I am bigger than I can imagine. I am Abbey and I love her. I believe it right now, that is a step in the right direction. This is my journey. My journey towards that love. I hope to share it with all of you.

To: Mom, Dad, Amanda, Garrett, Allison, Amelia, D'ana, Nieces, Nephews, Kate, Linds, Jessie, Megs, Britt, Cameron, Adam, and my incredible CCY family. You are the most important people in my life right now. I love you forever and will promise to do that every single day that I am alive.

Just being real here...

Lately I have been really struggling to really honor myself as a beautiful person. I look at everyone I am surrounded by and it is so easy to see their beauty. For instance I work at a yoga studio in Salt Lake City, its only the best one! Centered City Yoga. And I am surrounded by beauty constantly. First person that comes to mind is my friend Kate Linsley. She is beautiful. I am lucky to have her by my side each day at work, not only as a someone I work with, but as someone who is a very imporant part of my life and considered family now. I love you Kate. You define beauty and I really look up to you. Thanks for being a shining example of that. Someone who is so raw, and has so much depth. I also see beauty in the person that is coming to my classes for the first time or steps into the studio and they just want to be there. They have no clue what yoga is really about, but I think it is so beautiful that they just showed up to try. I see people on the mat in their bodies trying to make sense of it all, and sometimes I have to stop in awe of those students while I am teaching. I cannot help without knowing what they are going through, stand there and resonate with them. The one thing I do for them as their teacher is I can understand them. And I do. I am their equal. I understand because on my mat is where all my stuff comes up too. Like today for instance, I wasn't very nice to myself. And it really showed, I took stabs at myself the entire practice, and I felt like I could no longer support myself. It was in that moment, when my teacher D' came and supported me in a pose. It showed me that we really all are connected, and we all could use a little support at times in life. I have gratitude for my practice, because while on the mat I get these reminders even in the intensity, that I am okay. That this is life, that I am a human being having a human experience. In the office today, Kate said something to me that stuck. She said, "you know sometimes it takes everything you have to go teach, but we just do it. We just keep going." This week, I didn't really feel like going at times. I didn't feel brilliant enough or profoudn enough. But that is me lying to myeslf. So I went, I kept going. I put my shoes on, said my prayers each morning, and told God that I was going to go out in the world to make a difference. Even if it is small. Its something right?

While at retreat, the "theme" for the week was, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Am I that change that I wish to see? I don't know. I probably don't give myself enough credit. I should give myself more credit, and I will. I will start. I may not be the most beautiful looking woman, or have the prettiest smile. Yeah I am awkward at times-- but I am me. I know I give my heart 134 million percent to what I do each day (okay that's alot of percent). Lets just say I try my best each day, because I believe in it with every fiber of my being. And to believe in something so much, I think that is beautiful. I have so much gratitude for my job that I can almost see the graitude as if it was tangible. I am sacrificing each day to something that is bigger than me. I am sacrificing because I believe. I believe I am that person to do this job. And that job is to live my life, to go out and make people feel beautiful, loved, supported, and to let them know they have a friend. And if I can make them laugh every once in a while, then that makes me happy.

With that being said, I will make a promise to myself each day that I will tell myself I am beautiful, just because I care so much about people. I should care about myself.

I am beautiful. As hard as that was to write. I really know that I am beautiful in this moment. And to me that is all that matters.

To all the beautiful people in my life you know who you are. Thank you for being so beautiful! You inspire me every single day to get up and do what i do best, and that is love you.

I was answered in the Sound of Thunder

There comes times in your life when you have to choose to either surrender or resist yourself. For many years I have resisted my true self and essence. It seemed to work out okay for the most part, but I always knew something wasn't right. When I was a young girl I battled with intense depression and anxiety. To the point that my poor parents did not know how to help me. I know they did the best they could and for that I will always be grateful. I was given anti-depressants as early as 11 years old and was on some type of medication as I journeyed all the way through highschool and a little bit through college. After really getting into running during my college days, I made the decision to get off the medications. I wanted to heal myself naturally. I found that running and working out very intensely was a way to self medicate. Running worked for awhile, but then I sensed that I was running away from something. I was running away from myself. After 9 marathons, many half marathons, and 4 Lotojas, I knew I wasn't being truly honest with myself.

Back in the day, there was no other choice but to turn to westernized medicine for help. It did help and I know it saved me in many circumstances. I was able to function for the most part. I am not saying there is anything wrong with it. But with everything I have learned through yoga therapy, I would now opt to go another direction for self healing. I participated in a program through Centered City Yoga and D'ana Baptiste this past year. Resonate Yoga Therapy school. I discovered that magic can occur by just listening to the body and giving the body the opportunity to surrender and let go. While in this process I have had to face my depression again, because I numbed myself over 15 years ago with drugs. After completing the program, I felt it all come back up, and I told myself I was willing to go through it again, this time with the intention of surrender. The last couple of months until now, I have felt a lack of courage and I really wanted to throw in the towell and give up. I would only have to call my doctor and he could write me a prescription just like that. It was the easy way out. Something in me told me to hang on, that I could face these demons and get through it. As a yoga instructor, I teach the path of surrender in all my classes, but for myself it seemed almost impossible. Every day I would get up and pray to God that he would help me get out of bed. I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and sleep it away. Each day the darkness and depression seemed to intensify. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I didn't want to turn to anybody, because the affect that my energy was having on myself alone, I didn't want to give off to anyone, especially those closest to me. So I would sit in my room and try to cry, but I felt numb. Couldn't get any tears to come. The sparkle in my eyes disappeared. But I knew that there were reasons I was feeling this way. I had to learn something more for myself. Once out of my bed, showered, dressed, and walking into the doors of the studios where I taught. I promised I would leave all that stuff out the door. Walking around in that space, listening to breath, watching determination take place, and witnessing surrender, I forgot about myself. It was only about them. I felt peace and bliss. As I closed the studio door of my work, there it was waiting for me. I would go home and meditate and give myself pep talks and intend to surrender over and over again. But with that came more resistance. Why? I wasn't sure I had the answers anymore. Tuesday, January 4th I asked God to help me. I was in tears this time. I asked God if he would hold space for me. I told God I wasn't strong enough to hold space for myself and the question kept coming to me, "How can I hold space for others when I cannot hold space for myself?" I didn't realize this until now as I write, but as I kept teaching day after day, my classes seemed to be more crowded and I was able to give them a class through my own life experiences, even if I wasn't okay. I was being real. I could still connect. So, I asked God, if there was a God...if he could answer my prayer not in a subtle voice, but in a sound of thunder. So I would know that I am supposed to be alive. So I can move forward and complete projects and do what I do best and love with all my heart and that is teaching yoga, being a loving, funny, compassionate, passionate and energetic human being.

Friday, January 7th changed my life, my prayer was answered in the sound of thunder that I had desparetly asked for. Ten thirty pm I was driving home from a long day, I wasn't in my body. I was excited to get home so I could sleep. Finding myself distracted while driving, the next thing I know I am in a head on car collision. I remember the feeling of fear that came over me after the crash had occured. The feeling of looking outside of your car after the realization of what had just happend, thinking you had just done something terribly wrong. I was feeling completely helpless, alone, and terrified, I looked outside my door, only to see a mangled up car in the intersection that I had struck. I began to panick. I was so sure I had killed someone, and I was feeling the guilt settle in me. A man, a angel that appeared right after the accident walked up to my car. He was homeless from what it seemed, and he said, "Are you okay?", " can I get you help?" I remember asking him to just stay with me, I just needed him to stay with me. He said something that I will never forget for the rest of my life. "I will stay with you as long as you need me, I am here." The 12 cop cars came blaring into the scene, alone with the 2 fire engines, and 3 ambulances. Left trauma in my body. From the looks of the scene nobody should be alive. Sitting on the side of the road waiting with this man for someone I knew to come was the longest moment in my life. All the feelings I had been feeling were nothing compared to how I was feeling in that moment. After help and family arrived this man that came to me eventually disappeared. I never got a chance to thank him, but he stayed with me. I know that for sure. I will never forget him. That night I was saved by the grace of God. I want to express my gratitude to God for saving that man and saving me. Giving her another chance.

Even though that was a hard night, there where things that I took away that I will never forget. Material things come and go. Yes, my car was totaled. But you can always buy a new car. People are what matter. Love is what matters. The moment. The momet you have now, embrace it. That people are good and they want to help. Life is short. Tell those people you love how much you love them every opportunity you can. It is really all that matters. Have gratitude for your life, even if it seems shitty at times. Its your life.

The people that showed up for me that night in person or in other ways, you will never understand the love that I have for you. You were there for me when I was literally lying in the trenches all alone. You were beside me. God is there and our prayers are answered. I walked away from that accident with a couple bruises, but yes, I walked away. There was my thunder, I was saved, and I have a life to live. I am supposed to be here. Now what? I have work to do, projects to complete, and a brilliance to own. I know I will have many more times of surrender, I will never stop learning. I have people to help wake up, so they can know of their brilliance. There is a lot of people who are walking around unconcious of their full potential. I want to be part of waking up this world. After all of this suffering and resistance, came a peace that I know what my purpose is in life. That is great gift to receive. That night will always be a reminder that no matter what, there is God. God is in you, and I. We are all connected. God came to me in the form of that stranger, who told me he would not leave me. God came in the form of my sister D' who walked silently down the sidewalk with her arms around me. God came in the form of my parents, who love me. My mothers embrace at the scene. God came in myself, when I thought I was alone, really I was there all along, hanging with myself in the darkest moments.

I write this for myself, so that I can remember this experience. I choose to write about it, because I see this experience now as a positive thing for my life. It was the moment that shook me into my power. I want to share this with all of you because I want you to know of your significance. In moments when you just want to give up, don't. Just surrender, be real with yourself. Love yourself unconditionally. Take care of you. Don't be afraid of what comes up, because under that "stuff" is you. life is so exciting. Life should be full of pleasure. I have the ability now to look underneath that stuff and love who I am. I saw that essence in me. When the resistance finally was gone, I was free. i was able to fly. Dear God, thank you for answering my prayer.

Graduating from Inbody Academy 2010

2010 was the best and one of the most challenging years of my life. I experienced things beyond what I thought was capable for my life. I am living in my wildest dreams and I am preparing for 2011 to be even better. Even though I have witnessed some of my dreams to come true this past year, I also was a witness to dark hours. There were many days where I didn't think I would make it through. I experienced the darkest sides of myself, uncovered spaces in my body that were neglected for a long time and accepted truths about myself that I wouldn't normally accept. Graduating from D'ana Baptistes inbody yoga academy was one of my greatest accomplishments and highlights of 2010. I will never forget the experiences and the family that is now a huge part of my life. These were the most phenomenal times of my life, most vulnerable times of my life, and most painful. I am honored to say that I was completely transformed by this program and will never look back. I realize now that I have my brillance and the world at my finger tips. I am not looking back. 2011 is all about expressing myself in my truths, and teaching from a genuine place, speaking my voice, and creating something from nothing. After realizing my power, I promise myself that I will fully embody my power and live my best most authentic life. I am so blessed that since graduation I have become a instructor for Centered City Yoga and I am able to teach for the best studio in the country. I am also incredibly passionate in assisting D'ana in bringing more students into Inbody Academy. I love my Centered City family. I cannot wait to support those I teach next to. I cannot wait for 2011 and all the abundance and success it will bring in my life. I am excited to bring as many people to yoga through my teaching, because it was what I was born to do. I wrote this credo for yoga therapy school. It is pretty much what I have learned about myself over the course of one year. It is my voice and I am discovering more about myself each day that I live.


MY CREDO
I am a courageous and transparent human filled with humility and inner awareness. I give my compassionate heart with a love that is simple, yet pure and real. I am filled up with overwhelming gratitude. My hands are giving hands, but I realize that I will let you down at times because I cannot please everybody. I am fierce loyalty. I will walk beside you, I will sit beside you, or I will lie beside you when nobody else will. I will hold space for you. I will cry with you and I will laugh with you. I will converse with you when no words are needed. I am safety and a protective heart. I will show up. I genuinely offer my gifts of caring love and kindness for the service of humanity. I am a young and old soul and I recognize the significance in each. I am extraordinary. I believe in the extraordinary. I believe in miracles. I have met with the darkest of night and woken up again and again to see sunlight, because I knew it would come. I am a strong mountain, a quiet stream, a erupting volcano, but at the end of the day, I dream of running with the sun into the horizon. I am a story of endurance, vulnerability, weakness, imperfections and experiences. If you look into my eyes I will tell you my story, because I cannot lie. I welcome you into my heart to stay for awhile if you need one. I will lead you up a mountain even when I do not feel strong enough. I am a powerful voice expressing trust in my inner guide to manifest my truths. I represent love and inclusion to help heal and change the lives of others. I am heart. I put my heart, sweat, and passion into people. Because I love people. I love God and I see God in you and I. I surrender to stillness, feeling and presence to allow for freedom and enlightenment. I am an open book and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am connected in a language that encourages, supports, loves, and strengthens others to help them discover their full potential. I am a treasure in a simple chest. I offer this treasure to raise the higher good in my life and in the lives I touch daily. I am not striving for perfection and accept my imperfections as beauty. I am Abigail Daw and she is enough.

Some pictures of my tribe, family, and soul sisters.

Why I write

When I write, I write from a place within that speaks to me every single day. I speak from a place of truth, and a place that I call home within. Sometimes that place is ugly, and sometimes it is joyful. But no matter what, i always speak from a place of complete gratitude. Even for the ugliness, and even for the sun. This is me, and that is where I begin today. I begin with me. Today I speak because I can, I speak because I am now everything and everyone that I need to know in order to be real.

How do I express myself in the way that I would like. I go to a deeper place. A very dark place. A place that I used to hide from, and a place that I always knew was there, but was never willing to explore with a bright enough light. I neglected that place, I pretended that place had no name, never a place of existence and that place would rot inside of me until its death. I tried to cover it up with every possible camoflauge known to man. I never gave it a name, a truth, it was not part of me, how could it be? This was not me. So I journey'd forward. I felt you every day. It felt like a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of one shoe. Trying to believe it wasn't there, but knowing it was there the whole time. My steps sticky.

One day, it would go away. Right? One day. It was ugly, I am not ugy. How could I bare to be ugly. Let me cover you back up again, stand on stage and act in the lights. Pretending you were not there all along. I did a pretty damn good job, I was a great actress. You were the act of my life. But still you sat in my there waiting for me, laughing, rotting in me. Until today, I held up the white flag. I give. You are me, I am you, lets do this together.

Today I welcome you with open arms. Embracing your colors, and your lessons. You are me, and I am you. It is me, it is stamped with the genuine stamp. You are what makes me original, and strong, and pretty darn powerful. Today I am proud that I can unveil that camoflauge and say thank you for what you taught me. Thank you for what you helped me to realize about myself. Life is too short to not be who you are. Live you truths, when you can be okay with that. Life is peace. Life is amazing, and life is exactly the way it is supposed to be. I love her. She is special. She has work to do. People to see and touch. Today she moves forward, laughing with it, and knowing she knew all along.

What is PEACE?

Today I am drawn to the word peace, the feeling that surrounds that word, and what it means to me. My body has been feeling the exact opposite this past week. And I haven't been able to really put my finger on why. There has been this uncomfortable feeling of anxiety that has been festering in my belly. I even experienced a nightmare a few nights ago that woke me up at 3 am, and caused me to feel more of that yucky feeling. I knew what I was feeling was the exact opposite of peace.

This week, I haven't been feeling like I normally do. Those feelings of uneasiness became so intense today, that I knew I wanted to find out why. I have been extra hard on myself, and I have also been snapping at those in my life whom I love the most, and I didn't know why. But I was aware that I was choosing to express myself in a way that wasn't so pretty. So today I write, because I was able to have an experience this afternoon that brought me to the place of peace inside. That place that I have been disconnected from lately. I was able to understand those feelings, without getting angry with myself. Realizing that my imperfections, my ugly side is what makes me human. Is what a lot of us all feel every single day. I discovered that I was allowing for old feelings, past experiences and attachments to manifest again inside of me. Not allowing for myself to let go of them. But today I knew they were there, and I felt them. Haunting me like they used to.

Peace may mean something completely different to you then it does for me, but that is ok. We all go through life and have our own human experiences. But I have realized that we are all connected, and we are all one, and I know that peace is something that we all would like to feel. So, to get back to the question, what is peace to me? How do I describe the feeling? As I write, I will open up to my vulnerable side, which is hard for me to do, but our vulnerable sides are sides that we should all embrace. I am choosing to embrace that side of myself today. I always make sure that I have the right intentions. Today my intention is to only express my genuine and real authentic side. Vulnerability is okay for me today. Vulnerability is what manifested peace for me today.

For as long as I can remember, there is a picture perfect place in my mind that I can go to in my dreams to feel peace. It is in this picture that I have posted above. I rememeber the first time I saw this picture, the feelings of peace came over me. I love this picture, I feel that this piece of art work was created for me. I love to take myself to this picture sometimes. It is my little imaginary place of solitude. I know inside that peace is so much more than just a picture. But when I want to feel a glimpse of peace, I take myself to my magical place. Today I went in search for that feeling, and this time taking myself to my beautiful picture wasn't doing me any good. I knew that I needed to dig a little bit deeper. I have been having a really hard time meditating lately. I felt like when it comes to meditation, I kinda suck at it. I can never stay focused. I have too much dialogue going on in my mind. My legs fall asleep, so I feel uncomfortable in my body. But today my intention was different. I was ready to surrender. And with that intention opened a different door, and I was able to discover the meaning of peace for me. I took myself into my bathroom, and sat on the bathroom rug in my meditation posture. Still was unsure of this whole process. Immediately I started to beat myself up, almost to the point where I was creating internal bruises just by what I was thinking about myself. It was this intense lack of love, respect, and every other feeling of hatred that you can have for yourself came into my body. It was the last thing that I was looking for to feel. I was feeling complete and utter chaos, disrespect, and sadness. But as I listened to my thought pattern, and became aware of how unhealthy these thoughts were, and what kind of feelings I was creating by thinking them. I noticed that love was not in relation to anything that I was thinking at that moment. As I continued to self sabotage, I was stopped in my thoughts. I began to pray, without even realizing it until I heard myself say Dear God. It was like God called my attention, and told me to stop. The love that was held out for me to hold onto was immediately felt. It was the feeling you would get of grabbing onto a floating raft in the ocean so that you could feel support. Dear God. (not a GOD that you or I have created) But God, the same God that is in you and I and in everything. The God that loves us unconditionally, the God that I see and feel in myself and others daily. The God that loves my imperfections, and the God that created this beautiful world that I get to live in. The God that is non-judgmental, the God that gave me my body, and my life. I prayed to that God. The God that I know loves me despite all the ugly things I have done in life. And I started to feel peace. Pictures came into my mind of those that I know love me. Their faces were so clear. The faces that appeared to me were those that I were afraid of letting down. I knew that I had their unconditional love. Peace was starting to become manifested. But as I sat there, I knew there was more to realize. Because without all of the love and support of those dear people in my life, there had to be something else that brought me peace. As I sat there feeling still numb to my emotions, I had an overwhelming feeling of love for myself. A feeling that I have been lacking for awhile. I had some tears, not a ton. But I had some. That is a step in the right direction. I haven't been able to cry, and feeling that emotion confirmed to me that I need to love myself. I need to believe in myself a little bit more than I do. I need to take care of myself. I am realizing more about myself every single day, and I know that I need to trust what I already know. But sometimes my old habits creep up on me, and I am learning to cancel them out of my life, and begin new habits. I need to be ok with making mistakes, and I need to be with my ugly side, the side that I like to pretend is not there amongst all of you. But these feelings are real, and I am owning them. They are not who I am, but they are real. I have a ego that likes to sit in the drivers seat, and I have a self that gets smothered by my ego sometimes. My self, that voice that guides my inner authentic side, is the side I can embrace. I just need to take more time to come to that place to when I stop and really look inside, has been there all along trying to speak to me. At the end of my prayer I discovered that I have had peace inside all along. It was there, waiting for me to discover. Peace is simple. Peace is self love, and love for all that surrounds us. I felt peace when God whispered to me exactly what I am meant to be in this life, and all that internal conflict I was feeling, turned into a overwhelming feeling of love for myself that I am always going to be grateful for. And I knew I would be ok.

So peace to me goes like this....

Peace is love. Peace is that amazing unconditional love. Peace is that love that I have for myself, and for people. I love people. Peace is that feeling when you have this realization that we are all connected. Peace is that feeling when you know God is inside of you, and everyone on this earth. Peace is that feeling of being so connected with the earth, and the love for the beauty of it. Peace is that feeling of gratitude. Peace is that feeling you get inside when you serve someone. Peace is that feeling I get when I am able to connect with another soul while teaching a yoga class. That blanket of energy that surrounds me like a hug when I walk through that space cueing people to inhale and exhale. Peace is that twinkle in my niece and nephews eyes. Peace is when my Dad and Mom tell me that they are proud of me. Peace is that place of stillness inside. Peace is presence. Peace is awareness. Peace is in that conversation with a friend when two souls connect on the same level and they just understand one another. Peace is that connection with a friend who is your kindred spirit. Peace is hard work, and persistence. Peace is family. Peace is nature. Peace is putting trust in yourself. Peace is honesty. Peace is being a part of this world at this time and in this moment. Peace is laughter. Peace is the sound of music of some of my favorite artists, such as Sarah Mclachlan, Enya, and Elton John. Peace is a big fat huge hug. I love hugs, and that is peace. Peace is watching determination in my yoga class. Peace is looking into the face and eyes of the elderly and of children. Peace is courage. Peace is being content with myself, and knowing that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be. Peace is so much. Peace is knowing that God is in us all. Peace is experiencing my life exactly the way it is right now. Peace is truly simple to achieve, we just need to stop and feel it. Peace is love.....Peace is love....Peace is love.....

I pray for peace on this earth. And it starts and ends with me every single day that I get to live. That is why I choose to do what I do daily. And I only hope to do my best every single day.......that is all I can ask for. Bringing what I am able every day. A little bit more peace to my life, and the lives of others by sharing what I know inside myself.

To My Life Teachers

I enjoy writing. I enjoy writing because I am able to put into words, feelings and emotions things I would not usually vocalize outside of the keyboard. Writing is personal, which is why I don't care if others are critical of what I have to say. I know I am writing what comes from my heart, and what I choose to express is authentic to me. For those who choose to read, I hope that you know that I appreciate it. It tells me that you have an interest in what I might have to say, whether it's good, bad, or ugly.

A lot has changed in my life over the course of 1 year. And despite the failures, and successes that have brought me to this place. I can say that I am proud of myself. I have had some major ups and downs through this process, and I am feeling a shift of internal awareness every single day that I normally would have neglected in the past. I am aware now of the stuff that I need to let go of in order to move forward. Shifting away from old thought patterns that don't seem to serve me, and creating space for the moment, which is where I have noticed my truth resides. As I have experienced change, I have often been forced to stop in my day to think of all those important people who have played a huge role in my life. I am so thankful for those mentors, teachers, and friendships who have given me a reason to keep on swimming every single day! "Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming." Dori

When I was in elementary school I remember two teachers that had a huge effect on my life. Mrs Jepson, who was my second grade teacher and Mrs Millet who was my 5th grade teacher. The love they both extended towards me, will never be forgotten. I cannot thank them enough for seeing me, and for loving me. I still remember the cookie monster cake Mrs Jepson made for me on my birthday.

Mrs Cindy Nelson, thank you for being that teacher in 9th grade who was my friend. You were one of those coaches/teachers in life that I will never forget. You didn't take life so seriously, and in 9th grade that was all I needed.

To Mrs Anita Stites, I had the dream to play on the high school basketball team. I played Jr. Jazz growing up and every night basketball with the neighbor kids. I was in love with basketball. It was my life. I had hopes of one day playing in the WNBA. It was a real dream at 15 years old. When I was not picked my sophomore year, I was crushed. I was the only one amongst all my close peers that did not make the team. I thought my life was over. But I remember how I felt when you came walking into my 6th period Biology class, taking me out into the hall and asking me to join the team. I remember your words, "Are you willing to work hard?" Ever since then I have always worked hard to do my very best. Something ignited in me that day, and I have never taken it for granted. Even though I was not the star player by any means, you gave me a chance. That chance sparked a fire in me that eventually drove me to go on and accomplish some incredible goals as an athlete. You gave me that tool of determination, and will power. I never gave up, and I never will. Thank you.

To a friend who guided me through some rough times in life. You introduced me to my passion. A passion that will lead the rest of my life. Without your passion, I would have never found the passion that I have now for what I do. You were the only one at that time in my life to help plant that very important seed. Thank you for allowing me to get my feet wet in the fitness world. Seeing that I had potential as an instructor, extending tools so that I could grow, and then listening to your intuition when you guided me into another path that gave me better opportunities. At the time, I didn't understand why, but now I know and I couldn't be more grateful. Even though we no longer get to share our experiences with one another, I know that everything happened exactly the way it was supposed to. Thanks for teaching me, and mentoring me. Thank you for having that contagious passion that created something bigger in me. I will never forget you.

To KD, you are the bomb! You were the one that really saw that something in me, that I didn't see. When you asked me to go to cycle summit in Minnesota with you, is when I finally recognized in myself that I had something to offer. You gave me the opportunity of a lifetime. The friendships I gained from that experience, as well as the confidence will always stand out as an incredible memory. I look up to you. You are so intelligent, hilarious, and not afraid to speak your mind. You have given me that extra boost of confidence when I didn't believe I had anything of importance to express. Thanks for showing me through example. You have been an incredible leader, boss, friend, and mentor. And I love you so much. I am excited for more memories we will be making.

To D' my soul sister. The only words that come to mind. I love you. I feel like all the mentors that have lead me to this point, have lead me to you. A very significant mentor. You have taught me to love myself. You are my Angel. And without saying too much, because I could go on and on. The only thing that I have to say is. "You get it" and I think that you see in me what you know is in you. Compassion for people. "There are things you do because they feel right, and they may make no sense and they may make no money, and it may be the real reason we are here: To love each other and to eat each other's cooking and say it was good." You are paving the way for me, and I am so grateful. You and I have many projects to complete together.

To my family, I love you! My parents, I can't write how I feel about them without there being tears. To my beautiful mother who is my best friend. Who has been my permanent buddy. I always know she will be there when I need her wisdom. She is there to always love me unconditionally. I didn't deserve her, but somehow I was lucky enough to have her as my Mom. I am forever indebted to you. But know how much I love you. To my Dad, you have been the best Dad. You have bailed me out on many occasions. You have guided me, and you have held me up on a pedestal that I didn't deserve. I always wanted to be like you, and I am so grateful you are my Dad. Never forget that. To my parents, thanks for standing by me daily to make sure I was protected and loved.

To my beautiful sisters, and brother. We stick together forever. And I love you, and know I am always here for you. Always. And I know you will always be there for me.

Dear Tony, Kat, Maddie, Brie, and Ciel. There are no words but I love you. We are family, and I am so grateful for you.

Friends--you handful that have stood by me my entire life, you know exactly who you are. And you are my every day angels. I love love love you. Jessie and Megan, I love you. DEBB T2 what will I ever do without you.

I needed to share my gratitude. My heart is so consumed with it. And I wanted to put it out there. I am so happy with life right now, and I am so excited for where life is taking me. These incredible people that I have spoken about in my writing deserve to know. You are all my angels, and I felt the need to express this. When you feel something, I have learned to not let the opportunity pass you by to express it. You never know the effect it might have on that person.

Thanks for reading. I love you.