Speaking my truth

I have erased this blog a few times already. Everytime I write down what I am trying to express, doesn't seem right. I can't even begin to tell you how much I want to speak. I want to speak. I want to speak so much that I don't even know what words to choose. I want to be honest in my approach. I want to be real. This whole process of finding my OWN voice, has been really damn difficult. Would anyone really want to listen to what I have to say. But tonight. Its just differen't. For a very long time I have not spoken. I have hidden behind a wall that kept me in fear, because I just didn't think what I had to say was important enough. Whether it is intelligent, or has any substance at all, it doesn't matter to me. Because it is MY voice. Nobdy elses. And I want to speak. Finally. For what feels like the first time. Will I offend anyone? Maybe. I always worry about that. I just cannot tonight. How do I say it? I surrender to the fact that I don't have to know exactly what I am going to say. I am just going to write and see what happens. A friend told me that I needed to speak. Speak about something that has been really hard for me. I have often wondered what others might think if I come out and talk about it. I am going through what I would call a grieving process. A grieving process of walking away almost a year and a half ago, from a belief that I thought was truth my entire life. Since I walked away, I walked away into a life that has been there all along, waiting for me to grasp on too.

I just turned 30. I look back at my childhood, my teens, and twenties, and I have to say.......Thank you God for what I went through. Thank you for every challenge I went through. Every heartache, bruise, beating of the ego, etc that I experienced. Thank you for not answering my prayers in the way that I would have liked you to at the time. Thank you for the refining moments that I did not think I would push through. Thank you for putting me through challenges that have created the woman that I am today. The strong, brilliant, loving, creative, funny, and beautiful woman that I AM. The woman that loves her life so much, that its almost annoying. I have to stop here before I move forward with my point... and say thank you for my family. For my incredible parents. Thank you for supporting me. Supporting me when I had no way to dig myself out of the trenches. Thank you for reminding me that I am special. That there is nobody else like me. My Mom has these qualities that I am in awe of. She is the purest form of love. When I want to define love, I describe the essence of my mother. She is safe ground. She is that warm blanket you crave at the end of a long day. I thank you Mom for who you are and what you continue to teach me through example. Dad, you and I we are a lot alike. We bunt heads at times. But I know how much you love me. You love me so much that it hurts you. You are so proud of me. I know you still picture me as a 15 year old, your little blondie that loved sports and would beg you to take to the Jazz game. I will never forget game six NBA finals. Me, you and Michael Jordan. :) I know it is hard for you to see your little patcha doll grow up. Because you still cannot help but call me, "Patcha" from time to time. Now I am a woman, a woman that has grown into herself and is proud to say that you are my Dad. I want you to know that I still need you. I still need my Dad. In this past year, I don't think I have ever grown at such a rapid pace. Thanks for being there. Phone calls, texts to tell me you love me. Knowing I can go home and find you there with mom, making sure everything was protected and safe for our family. I love you Dad, and I want to thank you for passing on your strength to me.

I am the wealthiest woman in the world. I have blessings that I cannot begin to express my gratitude for. Today I give my thanks.

I left the church. Yes, I left the church after 28 1/2 years of my life. No, I am not bitter. In fact, I have been thinking about what I might say to this so that it comes out of love and respect. I will never forget the moment when I knew I had to leave. Scariest moment of my life. Because I didn't quite know how I was going to do it. But I knew I had to leave, that is why I know I can't ever go back. That knowing is now instilled inside of me. It is a knowing that I cannot really even describe, but it is there and I cannot turn away from what I know to be true. Otherwise, I would be lying to myself. I choose to not live my life in that way. The church gave me that knowledge of God. My love of Christ. The church created in me my strong moral compass. I will always hold dear to what the church brought to my life. But in this grieving process, I am now able to stand on my own two feet without having to fear what choices that others may think are wrong or right. I go inside for the answers. Its inside me. And inside is where I am able to find God. That peace, stillness, that feeling that everything is okay. That life is to be experienced, and not to be feared. To learn to let go, and to understand that I am. I am enough. That my imperfections are perfect. That it is impossible to be perfect. Being perfect is boring. To celebrate my life. Every part of me. Every part of me, that I didn't feel would be accepted. I am free to be real. The woman that I have always known I was, but was hiding behind for two many fucking years. (excuse my language) I feel liberated. What does freedom mean to me? It means choosing to live my life experience in my way. Choosing to be exactly who I know I am. Not feeling guilty of my choices. Living in my truth is freedom. Following my soul purpose. Going by the beat of my own drum. Living in service, pure love, inclusion, and gratitude for everything I have. Even all the mistakes I have made in my life. Taking one day at a time, and learning as much as I can, so that I can be the woman that I know I have always been. So that I can change others lives by being real and living in my own truth.

I understand if this was hard for some of you to read. But speaking my truth is part of my voice. I am happy. I am in love with where I am in my life. The experiences and opportunities that I have every single day. Life is to be lived. Remember. Speak up! Be you. Love who you are. And live in your truth. Respect others and their beliefs. Be kind. Just go out in this world and make a difference. Find out what that is for you. Go do it! Be that person. Live the dream. It is possible.

Goodnight.