Today I am drawn to the word peace, the feeling that surrounds that word, and what it means to me. My body has been feeling the exact opposite this past week. And I haven't been able to really put my finger on why. There has been this uncomfortable feeling of anxiety that has been festering in my belly. I even experienced a nightmare a few nights ago that woke me up at 3 am, and caused me to feel more of that yucky feeling. I knew what I was feeling was the exact opposite of peace.
This week, I haven't been feeling like I normally do. Those feelings of uneasiness became so intense today, that I knew I wanted to find out why. I have been extra hard on myself, and I have also been snapping at those in my life whom I love the most, and I didn't know why. But I was aware that I was choosing to express myself in a way that wasn't so pretty. So today I write, because I was able to have an experience this afternoon that brought me to the place of peace inside. That place that I have been disconnected from lately. I was able to understand those feelings, without getting angry with myself. Realizing that my imperfections, my ugly side is what makes me human. Is what a lot of us all feel every single day. I discovered that I was allowing for old feelings, past experiences and attachments to manifest again inside of me. Not allowing for myself to let go of them. But today I knew they were there, and I felt them. Haunting me like they used to.
Peace may mean something completely different to you then it does for me, but that is ok. We all go through life and have our own human experiences. But I have realized that we are all connected, and we are all one, and I know that peace is something that we all would like to feel. So, to get back to the question, what is peace to me? How do I describe the feeling? As I write, I will open up to my vulnerable side, which is hard for me to do, but our vulnerable sides are sides that we should all embrace. I am choosing to embrace that side of myself today. I always make sure that I have the right intentions. Today my intention is to only express my genuine and real authentic side. Vulnerability is okay for me today. Vulnerability is what manifested peace for me today.
For as long as I can remember, there is a picture perfect place in my mind that I can go to in my dreams to feel peace. It is in this picture that I have posted above. I rememeber the first time I saw this picture, the feelings of peace came over me. I love this picture, I feel that this piece of art work was created for me. I love to take myself to this picture sometimes. It is my little imaginary place of solitude. I know inside that peace is so much more than just a picture. But when I want to feel a glimpse of peace, I take myself to my magical place. Today I went in search for that feeling, and this time taking myself to my beautiful picture wasn't doing me any good. I knew that I needed to dig a little bit deeper. I have been having a really hard time meditating lately. I felt like when it comes to meditation, I kinda suck at it. I can never stay focused. I have too much dialogue going on in my mind. My legs fall asleep, so I feel uncomfortable in my body. But today my intention was different. I was ready to surrender. And with that intention opened a different door, and I was able to discover the meaning of peace for me. I took myself into my bathroom, and sat on the bathroom rug in my meditation posture. Still was unsure of this whole process. Immediately I started to beat myself up, almost to the point where I was creating internal bruises just by what I was thinking about myself. It was this intense lack of love, respect, and every other feeling of hatred that you can have for yourself came into my body. It was the last thing that I was looking for to feel. I was feeling complete and utter chaos, disrespect, and sadness. But as I listened to my thought pattern, and became aware of how unhealthy these thoughts were, and what kind of feelings I was creating by thinking them. I noticed that love was not in relation to anything that I was thinking at that moment. As I continued to self sabotage, I was stopped in my thoughts. I began to pray, without even realizing it until I heard myself say Dear God. It was like God called my attention, and told me to stop. The love that was held out for me to hold onto was immediately felt. It was the feeling you would get of grabbing onto a floating raft in the ocean so that you could feel support. Dear God. (not a GOD that you or I have created) But God, the same God that is in you and I and in everything. The God that loves us unconditionally, the God that I see and feel in myself and others daily. The God that loves my imperfections, and the God that created this beautiful world that I get to live in. The God that is non-judgmental, the God that gave me my body, and my life. I prayed to that God. The God that I know loves me despite all the ugly things I have done in life. And I started to feel peace. Pictures came into my mind of those that I know love me. Their faces were so clear. The faces that appeared to me were those that I were afraid of letting down. I knew that I had their unconditional love. Peace was starting to become manifested. But as I sat there, I knew there was more to realize. Because without all of the love and support of those dear people in my life, there had to be something else that brought me peace. As I sat there feeling still numb to my emotions, I had an overwhelming feeling of love for myself. A feeling that I have been lacking for awhile. I had some tears, not a ton. But I had some. That is a step in the right direction. I haven't been able to cry, and feeling that emotion confirmed to me that I need to love myself. I need to believe in myself a little bit more than I do. I need to take care of myself. I am realizing more about myself every single day, and I know that I need to trust what I already know. But sometimes my old habits creep up on me, and I am learning to cancel them out of my life, and begin new habits. I need to be ok with making mistakes, and I need to be with my ugly side, the side that I like to pretend is not there amongst all of you. But these feelings are real, and I am owning them. They are not who I am, but they are real. I have a ego that likes to sit in the drivers seat, and I have a self that gets smothered by my ego sometimes. My self, that voice that guides my inner authentic side, is the side I can embrace. I just need to take more time to come to that place to when I stop and really look inside, has been there all along trying to speak to me. At the end of my prayer I discovered that I have had peace inside all along. It was there, waiting for me to discover. Peace is simple. Peace is self love, and love for all that surrounds us. I felt peace when God whispered to me exactly what I am meant to be in this life, and all that internal conflict I was feeling, turned into a overwhelming feeling of love for myself that I am always going to be grateful for. And I knew I would be ok.
So peace to me goes like this....
Peace is love. Peace is that amazing unconditional love. Peace is that love that I have for myself, and for people. I love people. Peace is that feeling when you have this realization that we are all connected. Peace is that feeling when you know God is inside of you, and everyone on this earth. Peace is that feeling of being so connected with the earth, and the love for the beauty of it. Peace is that feeling of gratitude. Peace is that feeling you get inside when you serve someone. Peace is that feeling I get when I am able to connect with another soul while teaching a yoga class. That blanket of energy that surrounds me like a hug when I walk through that space cueing people to inhale and exhale. Peace is that twinkle in my niece and nephews eyes. Peace is when my Dad and Mom tell me that they are proud of me. Peace is that place of stillness inside. Peace is presence. Peace is awareness. Peace is in that conversation with a friend when two souls connect on the same level and they just understand one another. Peace is that connection with a friend who is your kindred spirit. Peace is hard work, and persistence. Peace is family. Peace is nature. Peace is putting trust in yourself. Peace is honesty. Peace is being a part of this world at this time and in this moment. Peace is laughter. Peace is the sound of music of some of my favorite artists, such as Sarah Mclachlan, Enya, and Elton John. Peace is a big fat huge hug. I love hugs, and that is peace. Peace is watching determination in my yoga class. Peace is looking into the face and eyes of the elderly and of children. Peace is courage. Peace is being content with myself, and knowing that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be. Peace is so much. Peace is knowing that God is in us all. Peace is experiencing my life exactly the way it is right now. Peace is truly simple to achieve, we just need to stop and feel it. Peace is love.....Peace is love....Peace is love.....
I pray for peace on this earth. And it starts and ends with me every single day that I get to live. That is why I choose to do what I do daily. And I only hope to do my best every single day.......that is all I can ask for. Bringing what I am able every day. A little bit more peace to my life, and the lives of others by sharing what I know inside myself.
