Feeling alive.

As I sit down yet again to create another blog, listening to my thoughts, "Abbey please write, you have so much to say!" I will not wrestle with my thoughts, I know what I want to say. So, I write. I write to this moment; this moment is all that I have, and I will do my best, to never take one more moment for granted. I have a outpouring feeling of gratitude for my life. I am here, at my favorite coffee shop in Salt Lake City, near my home on 9th/9th. This little part of town, is my home. It is my favorite place to expend my time. Since moving to my home, in this lively part of town, almost 1 year ago; I have experienced joy, that I never thought was possible for my life. I feel completely mortal, vital, cognizant, ALIVE! I actually exist, and it feels really fucking good! I am conscious, and this feeling of vitality, is moving through me; dancing, flowing, through every cell and vein in my body. I love it, because it is my life. It is my own paramount life. Right now, the word I choose that best desribes this feeling is, WOW! I sit here, and I think of that word, alive. What makes me feel so alive right now? It is an interesting question, because I would have not been able to accurately answer that question more than a year ago. Now, I have a clear understanding of what that word, "alive" means for my life. I am learning more about it that word each day, and it excites me! The more I feel alive, the better my life is in the moment. I have realized that there is so much joy available in every moment; we just need to available to acquire it. The more I put up my walls, and shut myself off to life, the more numb I feel to life. I choose to always be available to the sweet moments that life always grants me. Life is a gift. I had the incredible opportunity to teach yoga tonight. As I experienced, listened, adhered to the ebb and flow of my thoughts, I sensed, that not a lot of people truly feel alive in their own bodies. I gather that people may feel trapped, claustrophobic, and it has become a habitual belief that there is absolutely no way of moving out of that place. Almost like we are not allowed to FEEL; but to feel numb is common ground, and we become accustomed to feeling this way. I assumed this, only because I have experienced all of these feelings, and I suppose we are all connected. I have always known truth for myself, that I never want to lead an "ordinary," life. It's not how I am meant to live my life. I felt alive at such an early age, that I shut myself off to every feeling that would move through me. It was too much for my body to handle. So, when I allowed myself to feel again, it surprised me. It felt like the impossible, became possible for my life. I really did not know what it felt like to be alive, until I got my body back. What creates that feeling of vitality in my body? Well, I have concluded that it starts with my body, staying connected at all times. I have found it more convenient to leave from time to time. I have discovered that my body likes to move with grace, pliancy, dignity, and ease. It has an elegance that cultivates so much. It is such a profound thing for me to move my body, to express, and dance, and give my body life. I have noticed, that my body has been depleted of that lively feeling for a long time, and it thirsts for life. Now, my body thanks me every day, that I can be conscious of every feeling that runs through me. I can acknowledge, and I am grateful for everything I can feel now, even if it feels, uncomfortable to be ME at times. The human touch, makes me feel alive. I know what it feels like to be touched, and to desire that touch. I never used to. I never felt I deserved that type of gentle care. To be recognized, I never knew how it felt to be looked at in my eyes, so deeply, that you are SEEN, for who you are. I have caught an actual glimpse of myself, and I don't want to lose sight of it, for one more minute of my life. I like what I see now. I think I always have, I was just to afraid to look closely at my own essence, afraid I would discover that I am extraordinary. Simple things THIS week, I have noticed, that nourish my soul with that life, that has become an addiction for my body. Witnessing love. Deep conversation. Teaching yoga. Eye contact, if you look deep enough, you can see SOUL. Friends approaching. A hug that means something. Connection. Tears. A beautiful letter. Celebration. Good Food. Music. Long walks in the majestic mountain's with dear friends. Soul Mates. A cup of coffee at Coffee Garden. People. Gentleness. Laughter. Exhaustion, reminds me that I have worked hard. Sparkling water, Pellegrino. A text, that says, "I love you." Red Wine. Silence. The Sky. A rainy night. My Soul Friend. Realizing the miracle in the unknown. Being in the moment. Without expectation. The sun. Closeness. Safety. Centered City Yoga. Witnessing breath move through bodies, as I teach yoga. Art. Walking in my barefeet. My cat, Nala. Food on the table. An invite to be with friends. My big heart, that tells me how alive I am Discovering what I desire! Family. My walls tumbling down into a big pile, messy, lovely. Awareness. I exist in every moment, and I bring a profound beauty and brilliance to life and into the lives of others. I am okay with this now, I accept, I agree. You and I have a life to live. Come be alive with me! Marvel at the sky, when you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. Smile at a stranger, when you cannot seem to find anything to smile about in that moment. Take care of yourself, so that you can bring that vivacity to someone else's life. YOU are their paradise in that very RARE moment that you have to spend with that special person. I have experienced a NEW life. I want to live. I have a passion for life, that give's me a reason to wake up every morning, and be excited to walk down the street to my favorite coffee shop, and have coffee with my favorite people. It is the simple things that matter. Stay alive. Don't leave, the world needs you, today. Tonight. Tomorrow. Look at the moon tonight before you go to sleep, discover something new about how it shines in the night sky. Watch the sun come up, and sit long enough to feel it on your skin. EAT, and TASTE your food. Look at someone long enough, to discover who they are, they are revealing something so perfect for you to see. Don't miss out on it. It's brilliant. Good night.

My Story. My Truth. My Powerful Life. My Love.

Dear all who listen and read this blog..........This is probably the most terrifying post I have ever shared. My intuition is letting me know it is time. Here is my truth.

Where do I find words to even begin. Today is the day, to express myself in a way that I thought I would never have the courage to do in my life. Something today has called me to this place, and it has taken me almost 20 years to come out and talk about it. This is my story. I am writing this to all those who may need to hear these words. To all who may be going through this right now in their lives, and to maybe someone who wants to end their life for these very reasons. I hope that these words come across as a way to heal myself, others, and to share my truth. This is my story. Bare with me now as I tell it the best way I know how. I do not want to live my life in secret, I want to live my life showing my true colors and embracing who I am to the fullest. I love who I have become out of this process. I wouldn't take these experiences back for anything. I am so happy and peaceful.

When I was little I always felt weird, or differen't than my peers at school. Something was always just not right with me. I always felt shy, uncertain, and that I was experiencing life completely differen't than everyone else....and I thought something was terribly wrong. I told myself I was broken. Moving to Scotland at 6 years old with my family was difficult. Before we moved to Scotland, If anyone spoke to me or looked like they were going to speak to me, then I would hide. Hiding became a very natural thing for me, and was only the beginning of a very long journey to stay hidden for many years. I remember living in Scotland and loving that all the kids in our family slept upstairs on the same floor. I had that creepy dark blue room. I hated it. I hated that window. I would surround my bed at night with dolls to feel safe. I always knew that my brother Garrett was in the next room, and that he would save me. We would play colored eggs, and run around the pond in our back yard. I remember all of these times. I loved that game. Those were the times in Scotland I would never forget. I was happy when I was playing with my brother and my sisters.

When we moved home, things became difficult. School was hard, I still felt very uncertain of myself. I did have a little bit more confidence from living in Scotland. I was the blonde hair, green eyed, American girl, that everyone wanted to be friends with while we lived there. So, when I got home, it was good for me on some level. It was easier to interact with kids. I did become boy crazy in elementary school. I chased boys at recess, and did all the stuff NORMAL little girls would do. I remember every single boyfriend I had in elementary. Of course, there was the neighbor boy I fell in love with at an early age. He was that dream boy. The first love; the too good to be true happy ending. The prince charming that would come and sweep me off my feet and marry me one day. I already knew as early as 9 or 10 years old, that I wanted to marry him. The love that I had for him at an early age kept me alive in my life. Thank you to you.

When I was in sixth grade, 11 years old, I started to experience changes. I remember it was in Mrs McBeths class. I noticed that I didn't like the same things that all girls did at my age. I knew something was differen't. I can remember my thoughts still SO clearly at that age;because they were so differen't than what normal kids would think or feel. I was so young to be
dealing with these thoughts. Sixth grade, I only wanted to play baseball, run the bases at Draper park on a summer night, and play basketball with the neighbor kids. I didn't want to chase boys around anymore. I didn't have those same feelings, and immediatly that scared the crap out of me.

I have always been very sensitive, intuitive, since I was a little girl. As young as I was, I identified with every feeling that would move through me. It scared the shit out of me. One day we were in class and we were talking about spinal meningitus. I thought I suddenly had this virus. My sensitive body was going through so much change, and I felt like my body was taking on everything. I didn't know what was happening to me. I was so scared. Once this happened, I was immediately put on anti-depressants, and diagnosed with OCD. Then, on top of all of this, I was introduced to my first shrink. I was supposed to talk. I didn't know how to express how I felt to this stranger. So, many times I lied. I told him what I thought he was supposed to hear. I remember his office. The brown couch that was too soft, my little body was swallowed up in the couch cushions. Dr. Winner. Long brown hair, he must have had every color of Bill Cosby sweater's you could imagine. He wore them each time I saw him. The office was crowded with old furniture, messy, and cluttered. It did not feel like home. I was terrified.

One day, I came home from school, and my Mom was watching Oprah. The gay olympic diver (I have no idea his name) was talking on tv. He was talking about having HIV. He was expressing his disease, and that he was dying. Then I heard the word gay. I heard enough of that to know that suddenly I am gay too. I really believed it. Why? Because I wasn't boy crazy anymore. I had stopped loving the boys like I did when I was a few years younger. I immediately took that on. This is when all the self
hatred started. I obssessed over it. I became so depressed, it was all I could think about. I was gay. I was gay. I was gay. Imagine
hearing that in your head all day at 12 years old. Not knowing what the crap this meant, and who to talk to. I am a child of God right? If I am a child of God, then how can I be gay? So, this was the beginning of trying to talk myself ouf of this obsession. I tried everything. I remember going to Disneyworld with my family and taking pictures. I rememember in every picture exactly what was on my mind. I could not even function. I was so confused at why I had these feelings, and everyone was so happy. Afterall, we were at the happiest place on earth. I was a child, and I was miserable in this playground
of hopes and dreams. The only thing I could think about was, "If I am Gay, what will happen to me?" I wanted to disappear.

All of this lasted through highschool. I tried to supress it. So, of course I tried every medication known to man. Let me clarify, My Mom and Dad did everything they could at this time for me. I remember my mom saturating her pillow at night with her tears for me. She would check me out of school, knowing I was having a rough time, and take me to lunch. She didn't know what was going on with me. But she is my mom. Mom's are intuitive. She knew deep down inside. My parents have alway's been there for me. They have always wanted me to be safe and happy.

During these times, there was somewhere inside of me that still had hope. I was still in love with the neighbor boy. I loved him. If I could win his heart, I would be safe. I would make it to the "Celestial" Kingdom, and would live with my family forever. I tried every day in highschool to win his heart. I did everything. He was the only boy I ever loved, and wanted to marry. So, when he became more interested in me my Jr. year, I felt really good. I actually became more popular and I really came out of my shell. I thought I won him over. He kissed me on spring break the following year. So, of course still feeling good about life as I was preparing to finish highschool. Although, the question still festered in the back of my mind.....could I still be gay? It was like a little yappy bird on my shoulder that would never shut up. Despite all of this, I made it through graduation. I sent the neighbor boy I loved on his mission, we wrote the entire time. While he was gone, I did everything to prepare myself for when he came back. I wanted to be the skinniest, the most beautiful. I became obssessed with working out. I wanted to be perfect. Not realizing until much later in life, that I am already perfect the way I am. I was anorexic, bullemic, you name it. I ran my heart out. Garrett and I ran my first marathon together. But all this time, still miserable inside, because I didn't know how to deal with all these confused thoughts and feelings. Running became a way to numb me from the pain, and I suddenly became addicted to the runner's high.

Back up to when I was 16 years old. I got my patriartichal blessing, hoping it would tell me I would marry in
temple. So, of course!!!! Of course!!! It told me that I would be married in the temple. I slept with that blessing every night against my chest. I slid the blessing in my Book of Mormon, and held it tight until I fell asleep. This blessing gave me hope that one day I would be fixed. I wanted to believe it as truth. I wanted all my feelings to go away. While I was obsessing over the neighbor, there was ALWAYS this feeling I had deep down inside. I think I am gay.

The neighbor boy comes home from his mission. I had purchased the best outfit. I was so excited. His two sisters where out on their front steps waiting with everyone. I remember them asking me if I was excited to see him. I could barely contain myself. This was the moment I was waiting for since I was a little girl. Afterall, he had been writing me his ENTIRE mission. I thought, this is it! I am going to finally marry the man of my dreams. Standing in his front yard, waiting to see him, he gets out of the car, and gives EVERYONE a hug but me. I am standing there foolish. I felt so beautiful, and I was excited for him to see me. But he walked right past me as though I was invisible and gave his future wife the first hug. "REJECTION!" back to, "I am gay." Neighbor boy gets married. My life is over.

New chapter in my life. This is the beginning of my teaching. My first job at a local gym. 2003. One of the best years of my life. I had so much in me, that teaching became a very powerful way for me to heal. I wasn't in my thoughts teaching. I was there to help others. I was able to speak without speaking. I was able to express myself from the deepest part of my core. I could connect with others. I could speak my truth without actually coming right out and saying it. My classes were packed! Packed! I am a damn good teacher. I was going so deep to teach, to motivate, to heal. Something inside of me was coming out and connecting on deeper levels then I can even speak to. When I was not teaching, the gay thoughts, over and over and over again like a broken record. I fell in deep love with a woman. And I was trying to hide and run as far away from those feelings as possible. I made up as many excuses for myself to believe that I was not in love with this woman. I thought nobody knew. I was grapsing on to ANYTHING that would tell me I wasn't gay. ANYTHING. Teaching saved me. It fed me. It fed something in me that wasn't feeding me in my life. Teaching other people saved me from killing myself. I thought many times how I might do it for sure. Anything to ease the pain. This is when I found my bike. I loved my bike. Another way to numb. I could climb the highest of mountains on this bike, and by doing so, this would ease the pain. I kept searching. I kept running away. The only thing I could do was run and bike. It was what I did best. I ran. I ran like hell. I ran as many marathons, and biked as many LOTOJAS as I could. I was a damn good athlete! The athlete in me kept me alive. It showed me the drive that I have inside of me. The fight. It revealed to me in so many ways, that I don't give up on myself. That I don't give up on my life. That I climb the hills, and I make it to the top.

After trying to date a few nice guys in college. I met a GREAT guy! He was really cute, my family adored him, BUT not a whole lot of attraction on my end. BUT, he didn't reject me. He actually liked my hard outer layer. He LIKED me. I think I was a challenge for him. So, of course I kept him around as long as I could. He bought me time. More time to prove I would be straight. The relationship was good for about ten minutes, and then I became very miserable. I was so sad, because he really was perfect. And he really loved me. I tried SO hard to talk myself into believing this is the right person. I put so much pressure on myself. I wanted to be fixed. One night I went to the bishop's office of my home ward. I asked him straight up, "should I marry this man?" "I am scared, because I don't feel anything." The bishop told me it was Satan creating this fear in my body. To not be scared, and that I should marry him. He told me that everything would be all better. That I should go to the temple once a week for six months, and that a worthy man would take me to the temple. Man did I eat that up. Anything to fix me. Six months passed. Temple once a week. Did not miss! When I dedicate myself, I really dedicate myself. It didn't work. I felt more
and more disconnected from my boyfriend, and more miserable. My Grandpa passed away. I remember his passing was right before I decided to end things with my boyfriend. I wasn't happy. I decided to listen to my intuition. I was going to give up on a great guy. We ended things, I listened, even when I didn't want to. I wanted to be happy. I wasn't. So, ANOTHER rejection in life. I was defeated. I was completely defeated.

Next Chapter. After the break up! Next big decision. Do I do register for Ironman St. George? Of course! Another way to ease the pain. Time to train. Time to rededicate myself to my masochistic and self violent behaviors. How much more could my body take. It felt tired. Self hatred, another way to hate myself yet again. Numbing myself was more important than listening to my body. I wanted to continue to prove I wasn't broken. I could continue to numb and self medicate, and run further from my truth. (all along, GAY) was still running like a broken record in my head. While training for the Ironman, I became so exhausted. It was a Friday afternoon in March 2010. It was a very windy day. It was the beginning of my training run. Mile 4 of 12. I still had to go swim before the day was over. I couldn't breath. The wind was stopping me in my tracks, but I KEPT ON PUSHING. Stopping was not an option. I became angry with myself. A school bus passed me. Kids pressing their faces out the window, people passing me with their kids in jogging strollers. I STOPPED! I cried. I couldn't do it anymore. Thoughts running through my mind. Disappointment. "I HATE YOU" "I HATE YOU ABBEY!" "YOU FUCKING FAILURE!!!!" "YOU FAIL." "YOU GAY FUCKER! YOU GAY FUCKER." (excuse my language.) I am being real. As real as I know to be. I walked, jogged, shuffled my way home. I couldn't call anyone to come pick me up. How could anyone know I quit... BUT I quit that day. This was the beginning of my healing....

My mom saw me when I got home. She saw the look of exhaustion and failure in my face. I didn't even have to say anything, and the first thing she said to me. "Abbey, it is okay to quit the Ironman" I didn't want to hear those words coming from her mouth. BUT something in me was telling me to just give. Just hold up the white flag. I was at the time enrolled in yoga teacher training at CCY. I walked into class later that night, same day as my horrible run. D' started talking about her life. She was an athlete, aerobics teacher, etc. The story of her life was resonating so deeply with mine. She talked about a marathon. San Francisco. Mile eighteen. She said that is when she discovered she was disconnected from herself, she had to quit. She was bored, and she knew she was disconnected from her body. That moment I knew I had to quit Ironman training, and I was only 2 months away from the race. Something in her story, the way she told it, gave me permission to quit. I quit. I canceled my Ironman plans. This time I didn't feel so bad about myself. This is an indication that I loved myself. Even if it was a little bit. I cared. I started to listen to my body, and my body liked it. Retiring the running shoes, selling my bike, living on my yoga mat, while listening to my body each day, my life started to crack open. I started to become more confident. I started to really live in my body. My thoughts.....my obsessive thoughts. Suddenly, for what felt like the first time in my life, disappeard. Peace.

November, 11. 2011 The day that changed my life forever.
InBody Retreat. I was there to help. I was there to be at service. To make sure everything went smoothly. To assist in other's experience. To understand other's. The name of the retreat, "Be real." I am planning on expressing myself in a way that I never had before. I had been preparing my journal entries for the last month. I went back to my Jr year of highschool journal entries, and compiled everything that rang true for me to the present moment. I put ALL my writings together in a poetic way. I wanted to share myself. I wanted to express what was inside of me. My dear friend Barbara sat on a stool in the middle of the room. My black yoga mat in the middle of the room. 65 people staring at me. Dark in the room with just a spotlight over my mat. My body moved gracefully, in a way it had never moved in my life. Barbara read my words, and I moved like a dance on my mat. My body expressed. My body felt beautiful; I felt beautiful for the first time in my life. I felt understood. I felt powerful. I felt okay. In that moment, I stepped inside to a deeper part of myself, that I was never willing to even look at. I went there, that dark place, full of cobwebbs and dust. I was lead there by the grace of God. By the safe place of that retreat. I didn't know what happened. I felt completely empty. I could describe the feeling as emptiness inside. My body would echo in this emptiness. I was lying on my mat in tears. I freed mysef. Literally from all those fetters, suffering, and the pain. I finally knew that I was okay with me. That I was okay being in love with a woman. I fell in love. I fell in love with myself. I was given a gift, a gift from a woman that changed my life forever. The cool thing about this gift, I was able to receive it with my entire heart. After I moved my body to my words, I knew it. I felt my body relax around it, and I realized what I had known since I was 12 years old, to be truth my entire life. It couldn't be a lie. That I was okay. That I loved another soul deeply and it happened to be a woman, and I was okay with this discovery.

I returned home from retreat and I felt so light, and I moved with ease and grace. I felt butterflies for the FIRST time in my life. I felt all these feelings that I NEVER allowed myself to feel. I felt out of control at times. I was okay with feeling out of control; I had been in control of my life every single day up until this point. I see this as the greatest gift I have ever received in my life. I was finally worthy of my own love. I was truly in love with myself. To this person. Thank you. You know who you are, and you know how important you are to me.

LOVE. Wow. It is amazing. My body is expressing things to me I have never allowed myself to feel. I ran too damn far away from myself. It is exciting. I am feeling so happy. My home is beautiful, I adore my job. I get to teach at the best yoga studio on the planet. Everything is falling perfectly into place. I would rather be happy and in love with myself, and alone. Then unhappy and surrounded with people that don't encourage you to be your authentic self. It has taken me so much courage to leave everything I know behind. The church..... out of love.....I packed up my bags and I left.

Running. New relationship. I love it. I love running up mountains. The great outdoors is my gym membership. I can now go hiking, and I can just marvel at nature. I love that athlete in me. I honor her. She is there, reminding me every day how strong I am. How dedicated to my life I am. How dedicated to my own happiness I have been my entire life. I am not hurting myself anymore. When I go running, I am not running away anymore. I am running connected and engaged with my body and life.

I now have the freedom to express myself when I am in love with a soul. I have learned through all of this, that love has no boundaries. Love is love. That it is absolutely not about the label of being "gay". What does that mean anyway's! I refuse to put myself in a box. I refuse to label myself. I did that for my entire life. I fall in love with a soul. If it is a soul in a female body, then wonderful. If it is a soul in a male body, I accept. I am okay to shout my love from the rooftops! No more secrets, no more places to hide. I am simply honoring that God made me exactly the way I was supposed to be made. I left the church, because I had to. It taught me for so long that I could be fixed; when I was never broken. I had to stand up for myself. I had to take my power back. I took from myself for so many years.

I feel safe in my own life, in my own body. I feel safe inside myself. I get to walk the floors of the studio and teach with ease and grace. I am ME. I was willing to walk away from it ALL to be me. I had too, I had to leave it all behind. My yoga mat saved my life. literally. It was where I freed myself. I will teach yoga for the rest of my life. I will have a book. I will tell my story. I will be exactly who I am. I will love with all my heart.

I have every right to be who I am. To not be silent. To not suffer. All those moments, I was afraid, and all those
tears shed..... So DAMN worth it. I am so happy. I am not perfect. Actually, maybe I am! I am perfectly perfect
with who I am now. You are perfect. Let us be perfect together. I accept you. Thanks for reading my blog.

I am here to LOVE.

Vulnerability=Beauty

I must admit. I have had a really hard time the last couple of months. Pretending that this, whatever it is, I don't even have to know anymore; hasn't been happening in my own life. I have tried to "Hold it together" whatever that means, and somehow I have managed to do so in the right moments. But as I was teaching yoga tonight, I realized that the last couple of months have been a very vulnerable time for me, and I have never allowed this kind of vulnerability. No way would I have ever allowed it. But now vulnerability means strength for me. Normally, I would take off on my bike and climb the highest of mountains, and then everything would be "patched" up and I would "pretend" that nothing ever happened. I was running away from myself, my power, my life. As I was ending class and had a moment to just sit in that emptiness, I did feel that strength and that love I have for myself. I am a very powerful woman; because I have really allowed myself to feel vulnerable. I have allowed myself to feel the emptiness, the void. That there is something really amazing when you can do this. It has been the hardest, but also the very best experience to have gone through, and I am STILL going through it. I actually smiled at this chaos, and now I look at it as absolutely beautiful! I can love so much until it hurts, and that I can give EVERYTHING to myself. I love myself so much, and I am willing to stay open, and courageous, and absolutely brave. I am me, and there is nobody like me. I love you. Thank you for being brave and courageous. I share this because I fucking want too! I hope that someone may have needed to read these words tonight. There is something very powerful when you truly allow yourself to feel vulnerable, while staying open at the same time. There is something when you sit with yourself and feel ALL OF IT! To feel that dark, ugly, chaotic, gross, "STUFF", is really quite powerful. When you can throw it up, and then lie there in complete emptiness in your own vomit, is power. You in this emptiness, have nothing left but to trust something bigger than you...and when you do can trust...you become free. You save yourself, the only person that you can save. That is everything. Goodnight.

Speaking my truth

I have erased this blog a few times already. Everytime I write down what I am trying to express, doesn't seem right. I can't even begin to tell you how much I want to speak. I want to speak. I want to speak so much that I don't even know what words to choose. I want to be honest in my approach. I want to be real. This whole process of finding my OWN voice, has been really damn difficult. Would anyone really want to listen to what I have to say. But tonight. Its just differen't. For a very long time I have not spoken. I have hidden behind a wall that kept me in fear, because I just didn't think what I had to say was important enough. Whether it is intelligent, or has any substance at all, it doesn't matter to me. Because it is MY voice. Nobdy elses. And I want to speak. Finally. For what feels like the first time. Will I offend anyone? Maybe. I always worry about that. I just cannot tonight. How do I say it? I surrender to the fact that I don't have to know exactly what I am going to say. I am just going to write and see what happens. A friend told me that I needed to speak. Speak about something that has been really hard for me. I have often wondered what others might think if I come out and talk about it. I am going through what I would call a grieving process. A grieving process of walking away almost a year and a half ago, from a belief that I thought was truth my entire life. Since I walked away, I walked away into a life that has been there all along, waiting for me to grasp on too.

I just turned 30. I look back at my childhood, my teens, and twenties, and I have to say.......Thank you God for what I went through. Thank you for every challenge I went through. Every heartache, bruise, beating of the ego, etc that I experienced. Thank you for not answering my prayers in the way that I would have liked you to at the time. Thank you for the refining moments that I did not think I would push through. Thank you for putting me through challenges that have created the woman that I am today. The strong, brilliant, loving, creative, funny, and beautiful woman that I AM. The woman that loves her life so much, that its almost annoying. I have to stop here before I move forward with my point... and say thank you for my family. For my incredible parents. Thank you for supporting me. Supporting me when I had no way to dig myself out of the trenches. Thank you for reminding me that I am special. That there is nobody else like me. My Mom has these qualities that I am in awe of. She is the purest form of love. When I want to define love, I describe the essence of my mother. She is safe ground. She is that warm blanket you crave at the end of a long day. I thank you Mom for who you are and what you continue to teach me through example. Dad, you and I we are a lot alike. We bunt heads at times. But I know how much you love me. You love me so much that it hurts you. You are so proud of me. I know you still picture me as a 15 year old, your little blondie that loved sports and would beg you to take to the Jazz game. I will never forget game six NBA finals. Me, you and Michael Jordan. :) I know it is hard for you to see your little patcha doll grow up. Because you still cannot help but call me, "Patcha" from time to time. Now I am a woman, a woman that has grown into herself and is proud to say that you are my Dad. I want you to know that I still need you. I still need my Dad. In this past year, I don't think I have ever grown at such a rapid pace. Thanks for being there. Phone calls, texts to tell me you love me. Knowing I can go home and find you there with mom, making sure everything was protected and safe for our family. I love you Dad, and I want to thank you for passing on your strength to me.

I am the wealthiest woman in the world. I have blessings that I cannot begin to express my gratitude for. Today I give my thanks.

I left the church. Yes, I left the church after 28 1/2 years of my life. No, I am not bitter. In fact, I have been thinking about what I might say to this so that it comes out of love and respect. I will never forget the moment when I knew I had to leave. Scariest moment of my life. Because I didn't quite know how I was going to do it. But I knew I had to leave, that is why I know I can't ever go back. That knowing is now instilled inside of me. It is a knowing that I cannot really even describe, but it is there and I cannot turn away from what I know to be true. Otherwise, I would be lying to myself. I choose to not live my life in that way. The church gave me that knowledge of God. My love of Christ. The church created in me my strong moral compass. I will always hold dear to what the church brought to my life. But in this grieving process, I am now able to stand on my own two feet without having to fear what choices that others may think are wrong or right. I go inside for the answers. Its inside me. And inside is where I am able to find God. That peace, stillness, that feeling that everything is okay. That life is to be experienced, and not to be feared. To learn to let go, and to understand that I am. I am enough. That my imperfections are perfect. That it is impossible to be perfect. Being perfect is boring. To celebrate my life. Every part of me. Every part of me, that I didn't feel would be accepted. I am free to be real. The woman that I have always known I was, but was hiding behind for two many fucking years. (excuse my language) I feel liberated. What does freedom mean to me? It means choosing to live my life experience in my way. Choosing to be exactly who I know I am. Not feeling guilty of my choices. Living in my truth is freedom. Following my soul purpose. Going by the beat of my own drum. Living in service, pure love, inclusion, and gratitude for everything I have. Even all the mistakes I have made in my life. Taking one day at a time, and learning as much as I can, so that I can be the woman that I know I have always been. So that I can change others lives by being real and living in my own truth.

I understand if this was hard for some of you to read. But speaking my truth is part of my voice. I am happy. I am in love with where I am in my life. The experiences and opportunities that I have every single day. Life is to be lived. Remember. Speak up! Be you. Love who you are. And live in your truth. Respect others and their beliefs. Be kind. Just go out in this world and make a difference. Find out what that is for you. Go do it! Be that person. Live the dream. It is possible.

Goodnight.

Looking for it in all the wrong places

The past week has been week full of little tender mercies. I have learned recently through a couple of epiphany's what I must do in order to continue to walk down this path of life. It is a path that seems narrow at times, a path that others may not agree with, but a path that is my own, that I constructed and created for myself. A path that I know is my truth, and a path that I know connects me to everyone around me and most of all the path that connects me to God. I have discovered that I cannot overlook things about myself to make them go away. I cannot hide from the things that I fear in myself. I must take a look at them for what they are and love that part of myself. In order to free myself from fear, I most find that uncondtional love. Not the uncondtional love that I know resides in me for others, but the unconditional love that one should have for themselves.

A few nights ago I had the opportunity to go to the arts festival in downtown Salt Lake City. A city that I have grown to cherish. I love the energy that surrounds this city, I love the people, I love the smells. My favorite thing about Salt Lake is that I get to walk down 9th/9th in my barefeet and say hello to someone having tea or coffee reading the paper, and enjoying every moment they have with that coffee. I love the diversity. I love how everyone seems to know everyone's name and if they don't, well then they are a familiar face. I love that I can stare out the window of CCY and see Great Harvest across the street, and know that Brooke or Julie are probably over there making sandwiches. I am proud to call it my home.

It had been a long week of work. I took the opportunity to go hang out with my friends and enjoy the night listening to live music and having a drink of wine. I love wine--and if you know me we also know that I LOVE my work, that it is a part of the reason why I exist. I have a reason of being, and that reason for being is why I am choosing to fight like hell for myself. As I was walking around the festival with my friends, enjoying the night, and watching people--I picked up on an overwhelming energy that made me feel paralyzed. As I recognized this feeling, I knew it wasn't mine. I had to walk away from the situation, catch some fresh air, and shake off what seemed to be smothering me. I asked God to do something for me, to let me know I am not alone, and that love is stronger than this feeling I was experiencing. As I re-collected myself, and made my way back to the company of my friends, I heard a voice in my mind that told me to stay. Now looking back this experience changed me for the rest of my life. It was a pivotal moment in my life where I knew what had to be done. As we stood in front of the stage with hundreds of people behind us, I was claustrophobic, I now had a headache that would not seem to subside. Before I could leave, I found that the singer on stage drew his attention in my direction. In my mind, I was not in the mood for any fun and games. I felt as though I was in a nightmare, and I just wanted out. He proceeded to ask me my name, held out his mic so I could inform the entire audience what my name was. As embarrassed as I was...I told him, very "quietly". He then asked the crowd to chant my name. In that moment I felt loved. I had to glance up the sky and say to God, "really!" I am not alone for sure. I did start laughing. I felt the love of everyone around me. And in that moment, I truly understood what I believe in, we are all connected. God was watching out for me.

My friend that I am very grateful for this day said something to me earier that evening that stuck in my mind. She said, "Abbey, you are a people pleaser." This of course was said out of love, and I have no hard feelings. She went on to express that I do so much for others, that I need to make sure that I take care of myself first. I did not hold up a defense, because I believed her. In the past I have looked in many different situations for love. I have looked to get married in the temple, because I thought that is what God wanted me to do. But when that didn't happen, I felt like I let God down. I looked so deeply to fall in love and have that fairytale wedding. I thought that is exactly what I had to do, the path I must take. SO I even resorted to online dating, and believe me that is not my idea of fun. I felt like I had 5 job interviews a week, just to see if I was "good enough" for some man. And not to disrespect the online dating world, it works for a lot of people, but this just wasn't for me. This took me further away from who I really was. When the online dating didn't work. I just gave up on myself. I had nowhere to turn, and I felt defeated. I can now look back on my life and be very grateful for all these many experiences. I know why I ran like I did, biked like I did, and beat myself up like I did. All to prove to myself that I was unworthy of love. All to prove to myself that I had a deep hatred for myself.

Without those dark moments, I would have never found myself. I think I found her, and now that I know that all she really needs is acceptance and love for who she really is....my life can really begin. It took this experience that evening at the arts festival for me to really find clarity in a big mess of a headache. I often remember something that my dear friend, sister, and teacher saying to me once, "You are looking for love in all the wrong places." When she said that to me before, I didn't quite understand what she meant. As I was walking back to my car after the end of this concert...the words seemed to echo in my ears. I knew what she meant, and I knew where I needed to go to find love. I need to surrender to Gods will, and I need to accept love for myself. I need to fall completely in love with who I am. Because I haven't. I think I am a great person. I have talent and gifts. But If I were to say to myself, "I love you" I don't know if I would believe her. These 3 simple words that I use every single day, to let others know that I love them. I need to fall in love with myself. Embrace myself. Surrender to my anger, rage, and know that it is okay to not always have a smile on my face. That I don't have to be okay all the time. As I have found alot of inner peace in this, I told my own mom that I have to fall in love with myself, before love in a soulmate form will ever come into my life. She turned to me and said, "God made you exactly the way you were supposed to be, and that is the truth." I know as I fall in love with myself, all my dreams will come true.

Tonight I chose to surrender to the rage and anger. It wasn't easy. I put my trust in God that I could go to that dark place. And I did. I was able to let go of some things that have been bottled up inside. I feels as though I let go of 15 lbs of fear, anger, rage, etc. Now as I continue forward each day, I promise myself that I am going to love myself first. That I am going to give to myself what I promise to give to others every day, because I love unconditionally. There are people in my life that I love with all my heart. The compassion for these friends and family members in my life, is eternal. If I can love that much, and I have seen that love, I know that I can love myself with all my heart.

Right now I am not searching for a soulmate to walk into my life. My focus is to fall in love with myself in each moment. To remind myself that I am just as deserving of love as everyone else. And to fully accept love that is extended towards me each day. If a soulmate comes into my life while in this process, then I will welcome it. But I know that I have a lot of work to do. I feel like this is life long habitual patterns that I require a slow unraveling, but as I get closer to the love, ANYTHING is possible. I have dreams that I want to accomplish in life, some I already have, and some yet to be accomplished. if I can follow my heart, and give myself fully to each day, and love myself, I know that I can love more and more each day that I am alive. I thank God for being patient with me. And if I learned anything at all mostly that it is to not take everything so serious, to not put too much pressure on myself and to just appreciate the moment. I teach yoga, and I teach this each day to those that come to my class and step on the mat. Teaching yoga is just a reminder to me that we are all equal, connected, moving forward together each day in this amazing thing called life. I have an identity beyond that though, I am bigger than I can imagine. I am Abbey and I love her. I believe it right now, that is a step in the right direction. This is my journey. My journey towards that love. I hope to share it with all of you.

To: Mom, Dad, Amanda, Garrett, Allison, Amelia, D'ana, Nieces, Nephews, Kate, Linds, Jessie, Megs, Britt, Cameron, Adam, and my incredible CCY family. You are the most important people in my life right now. I love you forever and will promise to do that every single day that I am alive.

Just being real here...

Lately I have been really struggling to really honor myself as a beautiful person. I look at everyone I am surrounded by and it is so easy to see their beauty. For instance I work at a yoga studio in Salt Lake City, its only the best one! Centered City Yoga. And I am surrounded by beauty constantly. First person that comes to mind is my friend Kate Linsley. She is beautiful. I am lucky to have her by my side each day at work, not only as a someone I work with, but as someone who is a very imporant part of my life and considered family now. I love you Kate. You define beauty and I really look up to you. Thanks for being a shining example of that. Someone who is so raw, and has so much depth. I also see beauty in the person that is coming to my classes for the first time or steps into the studio and they just want to be there. They have no clue what yoga is really about, but I think it is so beautiful that they just showed up to try. I see people on the mat in their bodies trying to make sense of it all, and sometimes I have to stop in awe of those students while I am teaching. I cannot help without knowing what they are going through, stand there and resonate with them. The one thing I do for them as their teacher is I can understand them. And I do. I am their equal. I understand because on my mat is where all my stuff comes up too. Like today for instance, I wasn't very nice to myself. And it really showed, I took stabs at myself the entire practice, and I felt like I could no longer support myself. It was in that moment, when my teacher D' came and supported me in a pose. It showed me that we really all are connected, and we all could use a little support at times in life. I have gratitude for my practice, because while on the mat I get these reminders even in the intensity, that I am okay. That this is life, that I am a human being having a human experience. In the office today, Kate said something to me that stuck. She said, "you know sometimes it takes everything you have to go teach, but we just do it. We just keep going." This week, I didn't really feel like going at times. I didn't feel brilliant enough or profoudn enough. But that is me lying to myeslf. So I went, I kept going. I put my shoes on, said my prayers each morning, and told God that I was going to go out in the world to make a difference. Even if it is small. Its something right?

While at retreat, the "theme" for the week was, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Am I that change that I wish to see? I don't know. I probably don't give myself enough credit. I should give myself more credit, and I will. I will start. I may not be the most beautiful looking woman, or have the prettiest smile. Yeah I am awkward at times-- but I am me. I know I give my heart 134 million percent to what I do each day (okay that's alot of percent). Lets just say I try my best each day, because I believe in it with every fiber of my being. And to believe in something so much, I think that is beautiful. I have so much gratitude for my job that I can almost see the graitude as if it was tangible. I am sacrificing each day to something that is bigger than me. I am sacrificing because I believe. I believe I am that person to do this job. And that job is to live my life, to go out and make people feel beautiful, loved, supported, and to let them know they have a friend. And if I can make them laugh every once in a while, then that makes me happy.

With that being said, I will make a promise to myself each day that I will tell myself I am beautiful, just because I care so much about people. I should care about myself.

I am beautiful. As hard as that was to write. I really know that I am beautiful in this moment. And to me that is all that matters.

To all the beautiful people in my life you know who you are. Thank you for being so beautiful! You inspire me every single day to get up and do what i do best, and that is love you.

I was answered in the Sound of Thunder

There comes times in your life when you have to choose to either surrender or resist yourself. For many years I have resisted my true self and essence. It seemed to work out okay for the most part, but I always knew something wasn't right. When I was a young girl I battled with intense depression and anxiety. To the point that my poor parents did not know how to help me. I know they did the best they could and for that I will always be grateful. I was given anti-depressants as early as 11 years old and was on some type of medication as I journeyed all the way through highschool and a little bit through college. After really getting into running during my college days, I made the decision to get off the medications. I wanted to heal myself naturally. I found that running and working out very intensely was a way to self medicate. Running worked for awhile, but then I sensed that I was running away from something. I was running away from myself. After 9 marathons, many half marathons, and 4 Lotojas, I knew I wasn't being truly honest with myself.

Back in the day, there was no other choice but to turn to westernized medicine for help. It did help and I know it saved me in many circumstances. I was able to function for the most part. I am not saying there is anything wrong with it. But with everything I have learned through yoga therapy, I would now opt to go another direction for self healing. I participated in a program through Centered City Yoga and D'ana Baptiste this past year. Resonate Yoga Therapy school. I discovered that magic can occur by just listening to the body and giving the body the opportunity to surrender and let go. While in this process I have had to face my depression again, because I numbed myself over 15 years ago with drugs. After completing the program, I felt it all come back up, and I told myself I was willing to go through it again, this time with the intention of surrender. The last couple of months until now, I have felt a lack of courage and I really wanted to throw in the towell and give up. I would only have to call my doctor and he could write me a prescription just like that. It was the easy way out. Something in me told me to hang on, that I could face these demons and get through it. As a yoga instructor, I teach the path of surrender in all my classes, but for myself it seemed almost impossible. Every day I would get up and pray to God that he would help me get out of bed. I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and sleep it away. Each day the darkness and depression seemed to intensify. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I didn't want to turn to anybody, because the affect that my energy was having on myself alone, I didn't want to give off to anyone, especially those closest to me. So I would sit in my room and try to cry, but I felt numb. Couldn't get any tears to come. The sparkle in my eyes disappeared. But I knew that there were reasons I was feeling this way. I had to learn something more for myself. Once out of my bed, showered, dressed, and walking into the doors of the studios where I taught. I promised I would leave all that stuff out the door. Walking around in that space, listening to breath, watching determination take place, and witnessing surrender, I forgot about myself. It was only about them. I felt peace and bliss. As I closed the studio door of my work, there it was waiting for me. I would go home and meditate and give myself pep talks and intend to surrender over and over again. But with that came more resistance. Why? I wasn't sure I had the answers anymore. Tuesday, January 4th I asked God to help me. I was in tears this time. I asked God if he would hold space for me. I told God I wasn't strong enough to hold space for myself and the question kept coming to me, "How can I hold space for others when I cannot hold space for myself?" I didn't realize this until now as I write, but as I kept teaching day after day, my classes seemed to be more crowded and I was able to give them a class through my own life experiences, even if I wasn't okay. I was being real. I could still connect. So, I asked God, if there was a God...if he could answer my prayer not in a subtle voice, but in a sound of thunder. So I would know that I am supposed to be alive. So I can move forward and complete projects and do what I do best and love with all my heart and that is teaching yoga, being a loving, funny, compassionate, passionate and energetic human being.

Friday, January 7th changed my life, my prayer was answered in the sound of thunder that I had desparetly asked for. Ten thirty pm I was driving home from a long day, I wasn't in my body. I was excited to get home so I could sleep. Finding myself distracted while driving, the next thing I know I am in a head on car collision. I remember the feeling of fear that came over me after the crash had occured. The feeling of looking outside of your car after the realization of what had just happend, thinking you had just done something terribly wrong. I was feeling completely helpless, alone, and terrified, I looked outside my door, only to see a mangled up car in the intersection that I had struck. I began to panick. I was so sure I had killed someone, and I was feeling the guilt settle in me. A man, a angel that appeared right after the accident walked up to my car. He was homeless from what it seemed, and he said, "Are you okay?", " can I get you help?" I remember asking him to just stay with me, I just needed him to stay with me. He said something that I will never forget for the rest of my life. "I will stay with you as long as you need me, I am here." The 12 cop cars came blaring into the scene, alone with the 2 fire engines, and 3 ambulances. Left trauma in my body. From the looks of the scene nobody should be alive. Sitting on the side of the road waiting with this man for someone I knew to come was the longest moment in my life. All the feelings I had been feeling were nothing compared to how I was feeling in that moment. After help and family arrived this man that came to me eventually disappeared. I never got a chance to thank him, but he stayed with me. I know that for sure. I will never forget him. That night I was saved by the grace of God. I want to express my gratitude to God for saving that man and saving me. Giving her another chance.

Even though that was a hard night, there where things that I took away that I will never forget. Material things come and go. Yes, my car was totaled. But you can always buy a new car. People are what matter. Love is what matters. The moment. The momet you have now, embrace it. That people are good and they want to help. Life is short. Tell those people you love how much you love them every opportunity you can. It is really all that matters. Have gratitude for your life, even if it seems shitty at times. Its your life.

The people that showed up for me that night in person or in other ways, you will never understand the love that I have for you. You were there for me when I was literally lying in the trenches all alone. You were beside me. God is there and our prayers are answered. I walked away from that accident with a couple bruises, but yes, I walked away. There was my thunder, I was saved, and I have a life to live. I am supposed to be here. Now what? I have work to do, projects to complete, and a brilliance to own. I know I will have many more times of surrender, I will never stop learning. I have people to help wake up, so they can know of their brilliance. There is a lot of people who are walking around unconcious of their full potential. I want to be part of waking up this world. After all of this suffering and resistance, came a peace that I know what my purpose is in life. That is great gift to receive. That night will always be a reminder that no matter what, there is God. God is in you, and I. We are all connected. God came to me in the form of that stranger, who told me he would not leave me. God came in the form of my sister D' who walked silently down the sidewalk with her arms around me. God came in the form of my parents, who love me. My mothers embrace at the scene. God came in myself, when I thought I was alone, really I was there all along, hanging with myself in the darkest moments.

I write this for myself, so that I can remember this experience. I choose to write about it, because I see this experience now as a positive thing for my life. It was the moment that shook me into my power. I want to share this with all of you because I want you to know of your significance. In moments when you just want to give up, don't. Just surrender, be real with yourself. Love yourself unconditionally. Take care of you. Don't be afraid of what comes up, because under that "stuff" is you. life is so exciting. Life should be full of pleasure. I have the ability now to look underneath that stuff and love who I am. I saw that essence in me. When the resistance finally was gone, I was free. i was able to fly. Dear God, thank you for answering my prayer.